Napoleon’s Lunchbox

1

The estate sale was about to end. Everything that had been marked down to half price in the morning was now, at ten minutes to one, another half off.

There wasn’t a lot left: a broom rake with three tines missing; a bicycle wheel with a fat tire, from the early ‘60s perhaps; an assortment of planters, mostly chipped pottery or faded plastic; odds and ends of kitchen implements (an ancient advertising beer opener, a set of teaspoons from the ‘40s, and a couple of rubber bottle grips “for those stubborn lids”); a sofa with a floral slipcover, probably from the ‘70s, minus one seat cushion; a box of miscellaneous items thrown together haphazardly (a jar of buttons, three small ceramic elephants, an empty photo album, and a small, tarnished tin box); a stack of the complete set of the Readers Digest novels; a collection of women’s clothes from the late ‘50s; and, a set of what had been expensive luggage, also from the 1950s.

Edna Handy, who had been the town librarian for as long as anyone could remember, had died a few weeks earlier and the estate sale gave her neighbors and curiosity-seekers a glimpse into the final years of her life. A sad glimpse, for Edna had been a pillar of the community and had once lived on the upper-lower end of the town’s upper class. Her husband, predeceasing her by two decades had been both loved and hated for the way he ran his businesses, but Edna had only been loved and many people conveniently forgot to whom she was married.

“Mom, aren’t you ready to go yet? I promised Lindsey I’d meet her at the mall at 1:00.” Maddy was becoming increasingly exasperated with her mother, who had been poking around in the detritus of the estate sale, it seemed to Maddy, foreeeever.

“Yes, I’m ready to go. I’ll just pay for this and we can be on our way,” Clare Arnold responded a bit absently, her arms loaded with two of the chipped planters and the box with the assortment of mismatched items.

“Good!” Maddy said, rolling her eyes at her mother. Something she did quite a lot these days. Clare chose to ignore her daughter’s exaggerated annoyance, something that she did quite a lot these days, also. They were at that stage of their relationship when shouting matches and hurt feelings could erupt over a glance, so they tread lightly a good part of the time. The rest of the time, they could sit on the sofa, curled up together with Maddy happily texting her friends and Clare planning a new art project.

“What is all this junk?” Maddy asked, picking through the box. “Buttons? And this tin thing is gross.”

“Well, I had to buy the whole box to get the buttons. I’ve got a great idea for a wall hanging. Or maybe a costume. Yes, I think a costume.”

Clare was an artist. Not just any artist, but an artist on the rise. She had had a dozen solo showings of her textiles and sculptures in the Midwest, and she was about to break into the national art scene.

“When we get to the mall, can I have $20?” Maddy asked, having already moved on from any interest in the contents of the box.

Clare’s first thought was to ask Why do you need $20? but decided that perhaps she didn’t need to know and Maddy was pretty conscientious about money.

“Uh, how are you getting home? And when?”

“Oh, Lindsey’s mom is picking us up around five. Is that OK?” Maddy was being civil and cooperative now that she had the money she’d asked for.

“Sure, that will be fine. We’ll eat when your father gets home.”

Clare was not a gourmet cook, by a long shot, but she did stick to a schedule with meals: breakfast at 7:00 before Maddy left for school and Jeremy caught the train to work; lunch on the weekends, but usually just for one or two of the three of them since weekends were packed with soccer practice and dance lessons and the gym and all sorts of shopping trips; and, dinner promptly at 7:00 every night.

“Lindsey and I will get something in the food court at the mall before I come home. I hope that’s OK.” Maddy ate a lot of her meals away from home. Clare never got the hint maybe it was her cooking.

“I suppose. Don’t just fill up on junk food.” Of course, that was the only kind of “food” there was at the food court.

When they got to the mall, Maddy jumped out of the car almost before it stopped.

“Thanks, mom,” she said, taking a few steps and then turned and mouthed through the car window, “I love you.”

It was the first time she had said it in quite a while. Clare’s eyes welled with tears. All the fights and hurt feelings melted away. Maddy was a good kid and Clare knew it. And she was just a kid, so every day was a new emotion. “Roll with it” was Clare’s mantra and it worked most of the time.

After she had dabbed her eyes, Clare maneuvered the car out of the mall parking lot and headed home. She calculated that she would have just enough time to unload her purchases from the estate sale, check on the garden, pick some herbs for whatever she might come up with for dinner, and sort out the contents of the sale box.

As she pulled into the driveway, she saw Gwen, her neighbor, standing in the gap that separated Clare’s workshop from the house. When they purchased the property, her husband suggested that they tear down the building that had been a one-car garage and glorified tool shed and put up something new, but Clare liked the dilapidated look of the structure and said that she wanted to “restore” it. Restoration took her five years and lots of banged fingers from nailing up siding that was sliding off, shelves falling down, and windows that needed to be replaced. In the end, she not only created a functional space to do her art, but added on a greenhouse for her plants. It was her sanctuary, inspiration, and refuge when that was needed.

“Looks like you scored big,” Gwen said, only a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Clare had set the box on her work table and had begun unloading it.

“Don’t laugh. I got a couple of pots I really needed and a collection of buttons that I know exactly what I’m going to do with,” Clare replied, ignoring the smirk.“The rest will probably just go to the thrift shop where it would have gone anyway.”

Gwen picked up the photo album and flipped through the pages.

“Too bad there aren’t any pictures in here. I always like seeing what other people think is interesting enough to take a photo of. I kind of like the elephants, too.”

Gwen’s tone had changed slightly once she discovered that there might be something that perhaps Clare would part with.

“Be my guest. Take what you want,” Clare replied, absently. She had picked up the jar of buttons and held it up like an Olympic torch. “Perfect.”

“I’ll just take the small elephant. It will look good with a plant in it on the window sill in the kitchen,” Gwen said.

“You are welcome to the other two. I might put them out in the garden if you don’t want them.” Clare didn’t want Gwen to feel that she was being greedy taking them all, but decided to offer an alternative use so she would know that there might be a place for them, besides the thrift shop.

“No, just this one is fine. I don’t want to be greedy.” They both laughed, knowing what each was thinking. They had been neighbors for a long time.

“Oh, I almost forgot why I came over.” Gwen had started for the door and then turned back. “If you and Jeremy aren’t busy Saturday night, I thought we could have a glass of wine on the deck. We haven’t had a chance to get together for a while.”

“That would be nice, Gwen. I’ll check with Jeremy, but I’m sure we don’t have anything on. I’ll let you know.”

Clare and Jeremy and Gwen and her husband, Ted, had been frequent visitors to each other’s homes after Clare and Jeremy moved into their house ten years earlier, but once each couple’s kids got a bit older, it seemed there was less and less time for the four of them to sit down together. Clare and Gwen saw each other several times a week, but the men were rarely included. Ted worked long hours at a big on-line merchandise fulfillment processing facility and Jeremy mostly wanted to sit down in front of the TV after dinner and enjoy whatever sport was being played at that point in the year. Football, baseball, golf, basketball, hockey, soccer… it didn’t matter to him. He’d even watch curling if it was on at the right time. Maybe cricket at a stretch.

After she dusted off the two remaining elephant planters and set the tin box and photo album on a shelf over her workbench, Clare got to work with a first inventory of the button collection. The buttons were in a Mason jar absolutely stuffed with all shapes and sizes, obviously the collection of a lifetime. Edna was always a stylish dresser who made many of her own clothes, so these were probably the leftovers from those creations. Clare had resisted the temptation of buying a box filled with Nelly Don dress patterns, not that she would have ever used them, but they certainly had novelty value. There might have been an art project in there and if Maddy hadn’t been so impatient, Clare would have happily paid the $1.50 for that box, too.

But I’ve got too many projects already, she told herself and it was true. She had two art shows coming up in the next six months and she hadn’t even decided what to do for one of them. Maybe the buttons would be the medium, as she had thought earlier.

She unscrewed the jar lid and dumped the buttons out on the table. She spread them into a single layer and contemplated how to sort them. By size? Color? Material? She started with size. There were tiny buttons that you’d find holding men’s shirt collars down; medium size buttons that might have been used on a woman’s dress; and large buttons that probably held an overcoat closed. There were also a few really large buttons and some oddly shaped ones. Clare couldn’t quite imagine what those were for.

Size didn’t seem to be a satisfactory classification system, so she started over and began putting them into piles of similar colors. Her artist’s eye thought that worked better. After a few moments, though, she realized that there were three, maybe four, dominant colors: white, black, beige, and green. Green seemed to be an odd color to have in a collection of buttons, but Clare remembered that Edna did seem to dress in all shades of green. It was her signature.

As she picked through the buttons, she began to take note of the different types of buttons that had spilled out of the jar. Her curiosity peaked, she picked up her phone and said “Siri, how many kinds of buttons are there?”

“My research indicates that there are four main types: flat buttons with two and four holes, shank buttons, stud buttons, and toggles,” Siri replied. “Buttons may be made of plastic, polyester, resin, mother of pearl, horn, corozo nuts, wood, metal, leather, coconut, ceramic, enamel, bone, glass, and rhinestones. Some decorative buttons are covered in knots or fabric. There are many types of novelty buttons, both for adults and children, and there are insignia buttons that are worn on uniforms. Buttons come in a variety of colors and shapes. I hope this helps to answer your question. I can also give you a history of buttons, if you like.”

“Wow, that did answer my question. I’ll let you know if I want that history lesson. Thanks, Siri.”

“Not at all. Have a nice day.”

Clare pondered for a moment how often she consulted Siri during the day for all sorts of questions she had. Siri had become her constant companion and, if she admitted it, almost a friend. She didn’t exactly confide in Siri, and she knew she might be a bit embarrassed if anyone knew all the thing she asked about.

Move on, Clare. Back to the buttons.

After a few minutes of staring at the piles she had created according to colors, she decides that each color needed to be subdivided into the different types Siri had told her about. She set about working on the white stack, separating the flat buttons from the shanks (the ones with the loop on the back) and the studs. There were no white toggles; probably not a surprise. Toggles were mostly used on winter coats and it was unlikely that Edna would have had a white winter coat with toggles. Those were for a younger crowd.

Clare’s sorting went on for some time and she reflected how the process had a very Zen-like quality to it. So Zen-like in fact that she lost all concept of time and didn’t look up from her workbench until she heard a car pull up in the driveway and Maddy say, “Thanks, Mrs. Henderson. ‘Bye Lindsey. See you tomorrow.”

Clare glanced at her watch and saw that it was almost 6:00. Jeremy wasn’t home yet and he usually appeared about 5:30, give or take a few minutes depending on whether the train was on time.

Maddy had run into the house and not finding her mother there, came out to the studio, grinning.

“I got you a present,” she said, handing Clare a beautifully wrapped gift. “I remembered your birthday.”

“Oh, Maddy, that was so thoughtful of you. But you know, my birthday was last week,” Clare laughed.

“I know, but I just remembered it today. That counts, doesn’t it?” Maddy seemed a little disappointed that her mother seemed to dismissed her gesture.

“Of course it does, sweetheart. Thank you so much.”

“Well, unwrap it already,” Maddy urged, having gotten over her disappointment and on to the prospect of her mother being excited about what she had bought her.

A few quick tugs and the wrapper fell away, revealing a selection of teas from one of the only shops in the mall that wasn’t a chain.

“Maddy, these are lovely. I love them. What made you think of this?” Clare was genuinely impressed that her daughter had managed to buy her something that she actually liked.

“Oh, mom, I’m not stupid! You have a cup of tea every night after dinner. I do notice things occasionally.”

And just like that, feelings were hurt and Maddy stomped off into the house.

Roll with it, Clare said to herself. Maybe after dinner, I’ll offer Maddy a cup of one of the teas she had bought. It could work, she told herself. Maybe it could work.

For a moment, she had forgotten that Jeremy wasn’t home yet. Where was he? It really wasn’t like him to not call if he was going to be late. Just at that instant, though, she heard the back door to the house open and close. He was home.

“Clare, where are you?” He yelled into the house.

“Mom’s out in her studio,” Maddy called from her bedroom. “I hate her.”

“Nice to know everything is normal around here,” Jeremy muttered. “What’s for dinner?”

“How would I know? I’ve been at the mall with Lindsey,” Maddy yelled.

Jeremy could tell that a conversation wasn’t going to go well with Maddy, so he opened the door and walked out to the studio.

“Hi, sweetie. What’s with Maddy, or should I ask?”

“Oh, it’s my fault. She bought me a birthday present and I somehow managed to question her relationship to the universe. You know, same old thing.”

“What’s for dinner, hon?” Jeremy, like Maddy, had the ability to switch topics in an instant.
“I lost track of time, so I guess it’s Thai tonight. Sorry.”

“Hey, no problem. I’ll call The Blue Orchid and order our usual.” Jeremy was actually relieved that there was no dinner waiting for him. As much as he loved his wife, he didn’t love her cooking. He often wondered how someone so creative could manage to be so pedestrian in the kitchen. But then, she probably got the “bad cook” gene from her mother, who was notorious for making Thanksgiving dinner entirely inedible and heartburn-inducing at the same time.

“Perfect,” Clare said, absentmindedly, and then “Why are you so late?”

“There was an incident on the train line. Someone left a piece of luggage on the platform and the police had to come and make sure it wasn’t a bomb or something. They are getting really good at that,” he replied, scanning the workbench. “What’s all this stuff?”

“I went to Edna’s estate sale today. So sad. Her son, who lives in Tulsa, I think, took all of her beautiful things before the sale, of course, so what was left was mostly… junk. You know, like the junk we have in the attic. All of that stuff we are keeping for what? Maddy certainly isn’t going to want it. So some day, people will be poking around in our garage and living room and bedroom and clucking their tongues at all the junk we had.”

It all came spilling out, like the buttons out of the Mason jar, and it surprised Clare to know that that’s how she felt about a great deal of what they had accumulated in twenty-five years of marriage: a good collection of… junk.

“You are absolutely right. Let’s sell it all and move to Tahiti. I’ll go tell Maddy right now.” Jeremy was laughing at Clare’s sudden intensity, but he knew exactly what she was saying. He had thought it more than once. But moving to Tahiti was out of the questions. Maddy wouldn’t leave her friends and Clare’s art career was about to take off. The world probably wasn’t ready for a female Gauguin.

“I’m sorry, I guess I didn’t answer your question,” Clare laughed, too. “I bought a box of odds and ends in order to get a jar of buttons. I’m going to do a costume with them. I need to do some research, but I seem to remember that there were characters on TV who had buttons covering their coats. Maybe one of the Beatles did that. I don’t know. Anyway, I got a jar of buttons, an old tin box, a photo album and some planters. Gwen took one of the planters. The other things are there on the shelf, if you are interested.”

Jeremy picked up the photo album and said, “Well, this can definitely go in our estate sale.”

He put it back on the shelf and looked at the box. “This is interesting. I might use this in the garage. Odds and ends, you know. Nuts and bolts. Do we have any kind of cleaner? This looks like it has a century of dirt on it. I like the elephants.”

“We’ve got some WetWipes you could use on the box. But maybe start that after dinner. Weren’t you going to order Thai?” Clare suddenly found herself very hungry. She had just remember that she hadn’t had anything to eat since breakfast. The estate sale and fiddling with the buttons had distracted her.

Jeremy put the box back on the shelf and went inside to order. He didn’t need to ask Clare what she wanted; she had the same thing every time: green curry pad Thai with chicken. He was almost as predictable. His favorite was teriyaki salmon with vegetables, but tonight he decided to throw caution to the wind and have barbecued shrimp, spicy. He knew he’d regret it in the morning but it just felt right tonight.

“Twenty minutes, Mr. Arnold. You want some egg rolls or crab rangoon, too? Your usual?” Nancy, the owner of The Blue Orchid knew him very well.

“OK, you talked me into it. Both.”

“I knew you would want them. See you soon.”

The food was ready right on time and Jeremy was home in ten minutes after that. Expecting to find Clare in the kitchen getting plates and drinks ready, he was surprise to hear strange sounds coming from Maddy’s bedroom. When he knocked on the door, Clare said “Come in.”

Maddy was on the floor, giggling like she hadn’t done in months.

“Mom says we are moving to Tahiti. Can I see if Lindsey wants to come too?”

Every day was an adventure with Maddy and Clare, and Jeremy enjoyed every minute of it. Almost.

“Sure, the more the merrier. Want something to eat before we leave?”

“No, I’m stuffed. I’m just going to finish my homework and look at Instagram. You and mom have a good dinner.” With that, they were dismissed and equilibrium was restored in the Arnold household. At least for a while.

“How did that happen?” Jeremy asked. “I thought she hated you.”

“Oh, that was an hour ago. Let’s eat. I’m famished.”

2…

As usual, the food from The Blue Orchid was perfect and the Pinot Grigio was just the thing they both needed.

“I told you Gwen came over earlier,” Clare began, draining the last swallow from her glass. “She wants us to go over Saturday night for a drink on their deck. We haven’t done that in months. The weather looks like it’s going to be nice and Maddy asked if she could stay over at Lindsey’s that night. What do you say?”

“Hmm. Well, I suppose that would be OK,” Jeremy replied reluctantly.

“What is it? I thought you liked Gwen and Ted.”

“Gwen, yes. Ted… hmm. How do I put this? He’s annoying. Always going on about how his company makes the world function. All they do is deliver stuff to people who are too lazy to go out and buy it from a store in town. If they haven’t driven out the very stores that people would be happy to buy from.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way about him. You never said anything.” Clare was genuinely perplexed.

“I guess you haven’t noticed how I always find an excuse not to play golf with him, or go to a Cardinals game even when he’s got great tickets. And he does get great tickets. I just can’t bare to spend three or four hours listening to his drivel.” Jeremy had gotten a bit passionate in his demurral. “But if we can limit the evening, I’ll bite the bullet.”

“To be honest, I don’t like Ted that much either,” Clare laughed. “We’ll figure out a way to duck out early. Maybe one of us will get a stomach ache.”

“So you are making the appetizers, eh?”

It came out of his mouth before he realized it. Clare had a funny look on her face, but it passed quickly and she stood up and gathered the plates.

“If it’s okay, I’m going to work in my studio for a bit. Those two shows are closing in on me. You don’t mind do you?”

“No, I’ll just watch the ballgame for a while and read a bit. You go have fun.”

Ten minutes later, Jeremy walked into her studio.

“I thought you were going to watch the game,” Clare said.

“The Cubs are up 12 to nothing in the bottom of the second, so not much reason to watch. I thought I’d clean up that box and see what I can put in it. Where do we keep the WetWipes?”

“Right there on the shelf. Give it a go. It looked like at least of century of dirt and grime caked on that thing.”

The box was about ten inches long, four inches high and four inches wide. If you stacked a couple of bricks on each other, they would have been about the same size as the box. Jeremy couldn’t see how to open it and Clare was right; it did look like it had accumulated a hundred year’s worth of dirt.

Jeremy pulled out a cloth and started wiping. He had only gotten about halfway over the top when he needed to use another wipe. The box was that dirty. After using about a dozen of the squares, he had taken off what seemed to be the first layer of dirt. Under the dirt was tarnish. A couple of spots had a bit of shine to them and he started wiping more vigorously.

“It’s coming clean,” he said in Clare’s direction. She was engrossed in her buttons and just hrumpft in reply.

“I think it might be pewter. Or I suppose it could be silver,” Jeremy offered. “Here, what do you think?”

“I think you are going to have put some elbow grease into that project,” she replied. “But it’s looking more interesting. What’s that figure on the top?”

Jeremy hadn’t really noticed that there was a raised area that resembled a… bee. Curious. Another dozen used wipes and more of the accumulated dirt had been removed.

“Do we have any thing like tarnish remover?”

“Well, we have tarnish remover and that’s kind of like tarnish remover,” Clare chuckled. Having given in to Jeremy’s questions and observations about the box, she decided to put aside her project for the moment.

“Cute. Where is it?” Beyond the TV, Jeremy’s knowledge of the household was almost nil.

“I’ll get it for you. Easier than explaining where it is.”

“Thanks, sweetie.”

Ten minutes later, Clare emerged from the house with a bowl of water, a box of baking soda, a microfiber cloth, a toothbrush, and rubber gloves.

“What’s all this?” Jeremy was perplexed. “I thought you said we had some tarnish remover.”

“I did a quick Q and A with Siri and she suggested using baking soda first and then silver polish if we decide the box is silver. Works with pewter, too.”

“OK, Siri knows best, I guess.”

Clare wet the cloth in the bowl of water and sprinkled some of the baking soda on it. She started wiping the box and it began to shine. She dipped the toothbrush in the water and then in the soda and began scrubbing the crevices of the raised area on the top. Sure enough, what looked like a bee was a bee. As she cleaned the rest of the box (it had suddenly become her project, not Jeremy’s), they saw that there was a ridge around the top of the box where it met the sides.

“Let me see if I can get the top off,” she suggested.

The crevice around the top was filled with tarnish, but the toothbrush and soda paste had managed to remove enough that she was able to gently wiggle the top and it popped off. Inside was a stack of papers. Most were very yellowed or nearly crumbling, but one was obviously newer than the rest. It appeared to be written on lined notebook paper, the kind used in elementary school to teach cursive writing.

Clare unfolded the paper and saw that it was dated 1932, written by Doris, who Clare dimly remembered was Edna’s mother.

“Listen to this,” Clare began reading. “‘This box was sent to me by my fiancé, Randall Wilde, from France, just before he was killed in action at Saint-Mihiel. He wrote that he and his friends had been holed up in what he called a ‘grand house’ in the village of Commercy as the war ebbed and flowed around them. The house had been abandoned in 1917. His platoon had taken refuge from a terrible storm and as often happens in war, they explored the place, mostly looking for something to drink, which they found in abundance. He wrote that it seemed all of the valuable items had been removed from the house, but there were some small things left behind. This box was one of those items. He said that he thought I’d appreciate it and perhaps I could translate the letters inside. He managed to get the box to the Red Cross which shipped it to me. I was reluctant to accept it since it was the property of some French family and it was not until several years later that I have now opened it and looked at the contents.’”

“Wow, this is pretty amazing,” Clare said, shaking her head.

She continued reading. “‘I believe that the letters in the box may have been written to Napoleon by his wife, Josephine, while he was leading the French army in Egypt. I am going to call the museum and see if anyone can help me translate these and verify their authenticity. If they are genuine, I will try to make sure they get to the right people in France.’”

“Oh, come on. This must be a hoax. Letters to Napoleon in a box that some guy in the army stole from a house in France during the First World War?” Jeremy was laughing and shaking his head.

“It does sound crazy, but I suppose it’s possible Edna got this from her mother and just hung on to it all these years.” Clare was perplexed by what she had been reading, but it was getting late and she finally said, “I think I need to go to bed and look at this with fresh eyes in the morning. How about you?”

“Yeah, let’s do that, but you’ll have to crack the mystery on your own. I’ve got a full day tomorrow and I may be late getting home again. TGIF, tomorrow. And I’ve got to psych myself up for our visit to Gwen and Ted’s.”

Jeremy retreated to bed and Clare was left with the box and it’s mysterious contents. Were the letters real and if so, why did they not end up in some museum instead of Edna’s estate sale almost one hundred years later? She knew she needed help unraveling the mystery, but who could she turn to for that? Well, not Siri or Gwen, that was for sure.

3…

The next day, after Maddy left for school and Jeremy headed to work, Clare called the one person she thought might have some suggestions about how to proceed: her old University art professor, Dr. Kramer Ibbotson. “Kram,” as he was known to his colleagues and friends (and his students, but only behind his back), was a bit more than an art professor: he was an art detective, someone who was frequently called on to find who, when, what and why a particular piece of art was created, destroyed, stolen, or discovered. He had been extraordinarily successful; his one failure, and the one that stumped the entire art world, frankly, was the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum heist. Kram probably got closer than anyone to solving that one, but in the end, the answer was just out of reach and he decided to put it aside and concentrate on his own art and retirement. Mostly, those were put aside until he got the inevitable call…

“Kram, it’s Clare Arnold. I’ve got a question for you.”

“Clare, good to hear from you. It’s been awhile,” Kram began. “I see your name coming up in all the art magazines. You are getting some good press.”

“That’s so nice of you, Kram. It’s been fun, but kind of nerve-wracking. I think I liked it better when not so much was expected of me,” Clare replied, wondering how that might have sounded. Humble or just a touch narcissistic.

“I always expected a lot from you and I was right. Anyway, you said you had a question. What’s up?” Kram was intrigued.

“Well, this is a bit strange, but I bought a box at an estate sale that contained letters that the owner’s mother said were sent to Napoleon from Josephine while he was in Egypt,” she began, the words tumbling out.

“So you talked to the owner of the box and that is the story he told you?”

“No, let me start over. The owner of the box – she – passed away recently and it was part of the things that were included in the sale. It was in pretty bad shape and when I cleaned it up, I discovered what was inside. Well, Jeremy and I did. He helped. A bit.”

“Ah, yes, Jeremy,” Kram replied, just the slightest hint of disdain in his voice. He felt Clare had made a mistake marrying an accountant instead of an artist like herself who would understand what she did. “How’s he doing these days?

“Oh, he’s fine. Concentrating on work and watching TV. The usual.” Clare tried to sound casual about her husband’s narrow world, but she knew that Kram felt that the two of them were not quite suited. Jeremy was simplicity compared to Clare’s complexity. Yin and yang, perhaps. But each grounded the other in multiple ways and that was what still made them work after twenty-five years.

“Good. Now the box. It belonged to the mother of a friend of yours who died recently and had letters that appear to have been sent from Josephine to Napoleon. Am I understanding right so far?”

“Yes, so far,” Clare continued, making sure that Kram knew there was much more to come. “The box contained a handwritten note from Edna’s mother. Edna was the woman who passed away recently. We weren’t exactly friends, but everyone in town knew her and I think everyone considered her a friend of sorts. Anyway, the note explained how the box was sent to Edna’s mother from her fiancee who was killed in France in World War I. He gave it to the Red Cross who shipped it to Edna’s mother.”

“That’s not all that unusual. The soldiers acquired all kinds of things during the war and sent them back to the States, some legitimately, some not. However, I would think that the contents of the box would surely have been understood by the fiancée to be pretty valuable and that raises all kinds of questions about ownership and provenance.”

“I know. Apparently Edna’s mother spent some time trying to find out who the box belonged to, but she didn’t explain beyond the note and I have no idea whether Edna knew anything about it either, though it’s hard to believe that she wouldn’t have. She was a librarian and you know how inquisitive they are,” Clare replied, laughing.

“Yes, that’s Betsy, for sure.” Kram had been married to the University librarian for forty years, so he knew full well their curious, answer-seeking nature.

“The funny thing is that the box was covered in dirt and tarnish,” Clare continued. “It’s as if it had been forgotten about after an initial search of its contents and whatever inquiry was made into its owners in France. It doesn’t make sense. Perhaps Edna’s mother was afraid someone would find out about it and understand its value. Maybe she intended to sell it and was just never able to make that happen. I assume the letters at least are valuable. It seems like she just hid it away and forgot about it.”

“That’s a possibility,” Kram suggested. “Maybe she knew more about the origins of the box than she let on in the note. It might be that she was ashamed of what her fiancee had done, stealing the box. We have to call it what it was: he stole it from the rightful owners in France and sent it to her, hoping that he could perhaps sell it when he got back.”

“Well, what now? What should I do with this thing?”

“If you want me to help, and I assume that why you called, how about scanning the note and maybe one of the letters and email those to me? Take a couple of pictures of the box, too. You said you’d cleaned it up a bit, right?” he asked.

“Yes, we didn’t do too much to it. It appears to be silver, lined with something that looks suspiciously like gold,” Clare offered. “The top has an embossed symbol of a bee and there are a couple of hallmarks on the bottom. I haven’t had time to investigate those.”

“Leave that to me. I’ll check with Tommy Arp. I don’t think you know him; he came to the department after you left and then moved to NYU. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of European silver. He’s been on Antiques Roadshow in England a dozen times,” Kram explained. “As soon as I get your email, I’ll get started. Clare, it’s good to talk to you again. After Anna died, we missed having you come over to our house. I know it was hard for you. You two were like sisters.”

“I miss her. I think about her every day, in one way or another. You were a great father to her and a friend to me. You still are. We’ll talk more, I’m sure.”

After they hung up their phones, Clare thought about all the time that she had spent at Kram and Betsy’s house, sharing good times with their daughter, Anna. Now she was a thousand miles away, asking for help with a problem she didn’t even know she had twenty-four hours before. Not a problem; more like a mystery. Exactly like a mystery.

4…

She was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. One of. Paris was filled with beautiful women, then, and Napoleon Bonaparte seemed to know all of them. Rose de Beauharnais was different than the rest, though. She had confidence and a sense of grace that the others only hoped for. And her latest lover, Paul, Vicomte de Barras, was hoping to find someone to take her off his hands because she was bleeding him dry. Bonaparte fit the bill, so to speak. He was sure that he could find a way to satisfy her cravings for the finest things in life, even if it meant he would have to become the Emperor of France!

Rose saw something in him that only he saw in himself: his intense intellect, passion, and above all, ambition. His superiors mostly thought him a fool, but eventually agreed that he might be useful and sent him off to defend and extend the Republic. Not before he and Rose were married, though. And not before he began referring to her by her middle name, Joséphine.

“He wrote her over 250 letters from all over Europe,” Tommy began. “But there seems to be only two verified letters she wrote to him. If these are the real thing, this is an incredible find. And it would be hard to place a value on them. You say your former pupil bought them at an estate sale? Well, of course she did.”

“Like finding that Jackson Pollack in the trash,” Kram chuckled. “She sent me photos of the box and a couple of scans of letters and I’ll send them off to you. Let me know what you think. I have a feeling that we may need to get together in person soon.”

“That’s not a problem. I’m due to be in Chicago in a week for a conference. Always another conference. I could meet you in Denver after that. Do you think – Clare, that’s her name, right – could bring the box there? Or at least we could do a Zoom.”

“I have a feeling she’d be on the next plane. I’ll talk to her and then we can set a time,” Kram replied. “Tommy, it’s good to talk to you. It’s been too long. You know, if you’d ever want to move back to the mountains, I can arrange a spot here for you.”

“Thanks, Kram, but leaving Manhattan would be a bigger shock to Marnie’s system than to mine. We’re too settled here and between teaching at NYU and consulting, I don’t even have time to think about skiing, but thanks for the offer. Talk later. Cheers.”

Five minutes after he hung up, his email dinged and the photos and scans Kram said he’d send showed up. The silver box was not what he was expecting. It was stunning. Kram’s friend had done a good job cleaning it. Not too much, as was often the case with amateurs, but she was an artist, after all, so she knew a thing or two about conservation. The top clearly showed the bee insignia of Napoleon and a photo of the bottom indicated three hallmarks. They looked right, but Tommy knew that they were easy to fake, so closer inspection was called for. An in-person inspection.

He was not an expert in French memorabilia by any means, but the scans of the letters were very intriguing. Those would have to be looked at by someone who knew about paper, handwriting and the nuances of Joséphine’s communications. He had a couple of ideas, but they were miles away. Miles. On the Continent. Nothing ventured, though.

The email back to Kram said simply “I’m in. See you soon.”

It was 12:30 a.m., but Kram forwarded it to Clare with a note: “Let’s talk in the morning.”

His phone rang almost immediately.

“Why wait. You’re up. I’m up. Shoot.” Clare always wanted to get to the task at hand, even in all those boring freshman art classes. Get on with it; I’m here to learn was her mantra.

“Just wanted to let you know that Tommy Arp is very interested in your find. He suggested that he and I meet in Denver in about a week. Are you available? Can you get away?”

“Just a second; let me ask Jeremy. Oh, wait, he’s asleep. Yes, of course I can be there.”

“Did I wake you?” Kram was concerned now that he’d interrupt the precious little sleep he imagined Clare was getting with her two shows coming up.

“No, I’m working on a piece right now that’s got my attention. Maybe you can help. Buttons? Who did button art?”

“Hmm. I can’t think of anyone right now. I think there was a guy in South Carolina who was on the Tonight Show. I’ll get back to you with that one,” Kram said, momentarily stumped. “I’ll call you when I hear back from Tommy about a date. Get some sleep.”

Sleep was what she needed, but it was going to be hard to come by now that the mystery of the box was beginning to unfold. She switched off the light over her work table, closed the door behind her and headed into the house. She could hear Jeremy snoring down the hall. She picked up her earbuds and phone and turned on a podcast about the Vienna Secession, one that she had tried to listen to a couple of times before but had found it inexplicably boring. This will put me right to sleep, she thought as she climbed in beside her husband, who didn’t move a muscle. Two minutes later, she was dreaming of buttons.

5…

Her flight from St. Louis was delayed by a huge storm system sweeping across Kansas and western Missouri, leaving behind several areas devastated by tornadoes. By the time it reached St. Louis, though, the storm had lost most of its punch and she was finally able to board her plane three hours late. She’d be getting into Denver in time for dinner at Kram’s house, rather than the lunch they had planned on.

Safely on the ground, the Uber driver dropped her at the end of the long driveway, where Kram and Betsy had walked down to greet her.

“Tommy will be here tomorrow afternoon if the storms don’t affect his flights like they did yours. That will give us a chance to catch up before we get down to business, so to speak,” Kram began as they started the walk to the house. “How’s the button project coming?”

“To tell you the truth, my mind hasn’t quite been on it. I’ve had a hard time focussing. That box!” Clare replied, with a touch of annoyance in her voice. “And get this, I got a call from the estate sales agent a couple of days ago. It seems that he was contacted by someone who said he was Edna’s nephew and wanted to know if everything had been sold and if not, how was it disposed of. The nephew casually mentioned ‘a dirty, old tin box’ that he remembered when he would visit his aunt. The estate agent didn’t give him any details, just that everything that hadn’t sold had gone to a charity shop and that he thought the box had been bought along with some other odds and ends.”

“That curious,” Kram said. “Why did the estate agent have your number? Those sales are usually pretty anonymous.”

“I know. I asked him how he got my name and he said that Maddie had given him my phone number while I was in another part of the house and asked him to call me to ‘encourage’ me to finish looking. I guess she was getting desperate to leave. She is such a scamp! He didn’t call then, obviously, but did write down my number to humor her and when the nephew called, the agent remembered that I was one of the last people to leave, perhaps with the box.”

“I assume the estate agent gave you the nephew’s contact information?” Kram asked.

“Yes, he lives in Boston, but I haven’t tried to get in touch. It sounds a bit fishy, to tell you the truth.”

“I agree, but maybe we can sort it out a bit when we talk to Tommy. For now, let’s get you settled and then have something to eat.”

Kram put Clare’s backpack in the room that she remembered had once been their daughter Anna’s. At first, it seemed strange that he would do that, but then she concluded that perhaps was his way of saying that he and Betsy were, in a sense, welcoming her back to her second home. She had spent so much time with the three of them that it was almost that. A feeling of calm came over her, a feeling she hadn’t had in several days.

A few days earlier, she and Jeremy had gone to Gwen and Ted’s for drinks on their deck and it hadn’t gone especially well. Ted was being his usual arrogantly argumentative self and Jeremy was trying to ignore his endless complaints about the “customers” who ordered five different colors of the same shirt and then sent four back.

“You’d think they could at least narrow it down to two, maybe three, but oh no! ‘Send me six, send me seven. Free returns!’ Don’t they understand we are trying to run a business?” Ted’s voice seemed to gain an octave and a decibel with each sentence of his diatribe.

“Well, you do offer free returns. What do expect your customers to do? You’ve trained them to take advantage of that,” Jeremy suggested.

“But we’ve got a business to run!” He exclaimed again. “We have to make a profit or we can’t offer them free returns. And we can’t make a profit if they keep sending things back. ”

The irony seemed to be lost on Ted. Well, Gwen, too.

“I’m just say…” Jeremy started.

“Oh, I know what you are saying: capitalism stinks and my boss shouldn’t be making billions of dollars a year.” Ted’s voice had gone up another octave.

“If it weren’t for capitalism, I’d be out of job, too,” Jeremy suggested. “Accountants account. And, yes, your boss could pay a little more in taxes.”

Jeremy’s voice hadn’t gone up an octave, but oddly it had gone up a couple of decibels. He never raised his voice. Clare could see a little pink coming to his cheeks, too. That was a bad sign.

Five more minutes of back and forth, now about the tax system and then Ted ranting about the people insisting that delivery trucks be powered exclusively by hydrogen or, better still, nothing at all, and suddenly Clare had a headache.

“Gwen, I’m sorry I’m going to have to excuse myself. I think your frozen daiquiris have gone to my head, like an ice cream brain freeze.”

She stood up and turned to Jeremy. “Why don’t you stay for a bit? It seems like you and Ted have a lot more to talk about.”

But it was clear that she was saying Come home with me before you two get in a fist fight.

“Gwen, Ted, I think I’d better go with Clare. She’s been spending long hours in her studio and she’s exhausted. I think I should go put her to bed. It was a stimulating evening. Let’s do it again soon.”

Before they could react, Clare and Jeremy were heading toward their back door, leaving Gwen and Ted sitting a bit stunned.

The next day, Clare picked bouquet of snowball hydrangeas and a few of her pink hybrid tea roses and walked next door to Gwen’s house to thanked her for her hospitality and apologize for Jeremy’s behavior, even though she knew that Ted had started the whole rancorous discussion, as usual. Gwen’s ‘thank you’ seemed a bit cold, Clare thought. Usually she was oblivious to Ted’s outburst, of which there were many, but maybe last night she was paying attention and decided that Jeremy was not being a gracious guest.

After a few more attempts at pleasantries, Clare thought I’ve got a lot to do today. Let it go. It will sort itself out. And if not, Jeremy won’t be heartbroken if we never spend another evening with Ted.

And then, suddenly, she was back in Denver with her old friends, the calm settling in. The evening and next morning were spent remembering and laughing at some of the times that Kram and/or Betsy had to rescue the girls from themselves. She and Anna always seemed to be drawn to artistic types and everyone knows what they are like.

At two o’clock, Tommy called from the airport and said that he was going to catch a taxi to his hotel and then head to their house. He guessed he’d be there around three, depending on Denver traffic, he said. It was a good guess. Despite the early rush hour, traffic was moving and he walked up the driveway at ten minutes after three.

“Well, I have some news,” he began, chuckling as he set his bags down in Kram’s front room. “I’ve been in touch with Dr. Jeanne-Claude Mourget at the l’Institut Napoléon en France. She apparently had a good laugh when she reviewed the letters. There is no doubt that the letters are fake. The choice of words is all wrong and the phrasing reads like high school French to her. It’s definitely not Josephine’s handwriting. No need to do a test on the paper to find out if it’s genuine. A trip to France, obviously, isn’t called for. Maybe that was what you were hoping for, Kram? Clare? The box, on the other hand…”

“And I’ve got some news, also,” Kram jumped in before Tommy could finish. “Sorry, but I’ve been doing some digging and I discovered something that is very interesting. I found a newspaper clipping from Dayton, Ohio, from 1932. The headline is ‘Dayton Woman And Lover Charged With Fraud In Attempted Letters Scam.’ Clare, it seems Edna’s mom tried to pass the letters off as genuine during the Depression. Her husband had left her a couple of years before, supposedly to try to find work in Chicago. She never heard from him after that and things got really difficult for her. She had been working part time at the University of Dayton library and fell in love with a student who had returned from France after the First World War. He was actually the ‘fiancé’ who supposedly sent the box back to her. Part of what Edna’s mother wrote was true. According to the newspaper account of the arrest that resulted from the attempted fraud, he and his platoon were holed up in a chateau outside Commercy, but they didn’t just drink the brandy and wine they found; they ransacked the place and stole as many of the valuables as they could, the box among those items.”

“So how did the box get to Edna’s mother? Not from the Red Cross, I’m guessing,” Clare asked, puzzled.

“The last few months of the war – the battle at St. Mihiel was in early September, 1918 – were a chaotic time, apparently, and many of the soldiers stuffed as much loot in their duffel bags as they could carry, along with their military gear. Frank Morgan brought the box back with him when he mustered out. He apparently didn’t think it was worth much until he enrolled in the art department at the University and then discovered what it might have been. That’s when he met Edna’s mom and the two of them cooked up a scheme to sell the box and its supposedly valuable contents to a museum in Indianapolis.”

“So the box is genuine, but the letters were created by this Frank Morgan?” Clare was getting more confused.

“According to the newspaper account, Morgan was a skillful forger and had almost everyone fooled. He and Doris, Edna’s mom would have gotten away with it except that he misconjugated the verb manger in one of the letters and it sent up a red flag with the experts at the museum. It was a really, really stupid mistake,” Kram laughed.

“So were they convicted of the attempted fraud? What happened to them?” Clare asked.

“Apparently, before the trial, they were let out on bail and they just disappeared. I didn’t find any further information about Frank Morgan, but I was able to track down Doris, who seems to have reappeared in 1937 when Edna was born in a hospital in Quincy, Illinois. The father’s name was listed as Fred Masters and they gave an address in Hannibal, Missouri.”

“This Fred Masters was Frank Morgan maybe?” Tommy asked.

“Possibly. Probably. Doris gave her name as Masters. It seems likely that they got as far as Hannibal after being let out on bail and decided to settle down there, out of the spotlight. Well, it wasn’t really much of a spotlight. From what I gather, the police in Indianapolis had bigger things on their hands and the museum was willing to let it drop to save the board some embarrassment. I’ll do some more digging in Hannibal records to see if I can find out anything else about their lives there.”

“But we are no closer to finding out why the box ended up in the estate sale.”

“No, but let me take a look at it and I’ll tell you where it came from.” Tommy was finally able to get back to what he had come for.

Clare went to the bedroom and came back carrying a shiny object, a little bigger than the size of a loaf of bread.

“Oh, this is better than I thought,” Tommy said, turning the box over reverently. “You did a nice job of cleaning it just enough. The silver is quite thin, but intact. I don’t see any places where it is worn through. It’s sterling silver, which is right for the period and the use. The gold inside is immaculate. These hallmarks on the bottom quite definitely identify it as having been created by the silversmiths Marguerite and Nitot, who did over a hundred boxes of all sizes for Napoleon. I’ll do a little more research, of course, but I think there’s little doubt that this likely belonged to Napoleon at some point. Now, we’ve got to establish history and provenance.”

“That will be tricky. But maybe we can work back from what we know. Or at least what we think we know,” Kram began. “If we assume that Frank Morgan did bring the piece back from France, I think we need to find out if he really was holed up in a chateau near St. Mihiel. Who owned that chateau at that time and is there any connection with Napoleon? I’ll start there. Tommy, we’ll rely on you to find out as much as you can about the origin of the box and how it may be connected to Napoleon.”

“I wonder if I should give Edna’s nephew a call and see if he knows any more than we do,” Clare mused.

“Go cautiously with that, I’d say,” Tommy suggested. “Do a google search and see if he’s who he says he is. It’s hard to imagine he’d know about the box if he didn’t know Edna, but you need to be sure. Would you be willing to let me take the box back to New York? I’d like to do some tests on it, if I could. There is some wax and tarnish left in a couple of places. That could tell us more about the origin of the box or perhaps where it has been over the last two centuries.”

“Of course you can take it back with you,” Clare agreed. “In fact, I would feel better if it were out of my house right now. For some reason, I have an uneasy feeling about it. And I’ll be very cautious when I talk to Edna’s nephew, assuming that’s who he really is. Listen to me. I sound paranoid, don’t I?”

“Sometimes, paranoia is a good thing,” Kram said, trying to reassure Clare.

It seemed that each of them now had an assignment, so the rest of the evening was spent talking about Clare’s art career, Kram’s “retirement”, and Tommy’s multiple activities back in New York. The conversation lasted late into the evening, until Clare finally said, “All this mental stimulation has left me exhausted. Do you mind if I call it a night? I do have an early flight tomorrow.”

“You get some sleep, my dear. Tommy and I will probably be turning in soon, too. I can’t stay up as late as I used to,” Kram declared, looking at his watch in amazement. It was 12:30.

“Perhaps we can share a ride to the airport. I’ll be leaving fairly early, too,” Tommy said, trying unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn.

“That would be nice. See you all in the morning. Good night.”

With that, Clare walked down the hall to “her” cozy, old room and after her usual bedtime rituals, she crawled into bed and was asleep in five minutes.

“Tommy, what do you honestly think about this object?” Kram asked, looking at the box. “Has Clare stumbled onto something? Or into something?”

“A little of both, I’d say, but we’ll know better soon. In the meantime, good night my friend. Sleep well.”

Tommy trundled off to bed, as the saying goes, leaving Kram sitting in his usual chair by the fireplace. It had been the spot from which many of his art riddles had been solved. Thefts, forgeries, and frauds leave a trail of clues and the solutions are mostly a matter of assembling the clues, in the right sequence, and seeing where they lead. Kram had tracked down a small Calder stabile, stolen from a private collector, by determining that in the dust left behind (the owner was more of a hoarder than a collector) was an eyelash that was determined not to belong to the owner of the Calder. There were also minute particles of dirt on the plinth where the stabile was displayed. The police had missed that evidence, but Kram had seen it and understood it’s significance. DNA analysis revealed that the eyelash belonged to the collector’s gardener, who was in the FBI’s art crimes database and the stabile was sitting in his apartment bedroom waiting to be picked up by a buyer.

After twenty years and three dozen cases like that, and at Betsy’s urging, Kram had decided to give up looking for missing paintings by Picasso, sculptures by Giacometti, photographs by Muybridge, and artistic detritus by any number of contemporary practitioners. Retirement, and the graduate seminars he taught, suited him.

6…

Clare’s flight back to St.Louis was on time and just under two hours. Rather than taking the Red Line train from Lambert, she decided to hail a taxi, hoping the just-before-noon traffic would be light. Big mistake. There was a major accident at St. Charles Rock Road and I-170 that closed down all lanes of traffic, coming and going. Three hours later, she walked into her kitchen, hot and tired and not expecting Jeremy to be home from work so early. And certainly not expecting Gwen to be sitting at their kitchen table.

“What…,” she started to ask.

“Ted’s gone, Clare,” Jeremy said, with just the faintest of smiles on his face.

“I don’t understand,” Clare tried again.

“I kicked him out,” Gwen said, almost matter of factly. “I’m going to divorce him. I’ve had enough of his nonsense. I tried to call you earlier, but I got your voicemail.”

“My phone died just after I got in the taxi. What a nightmare,” Clare said. “I mean the taxi and the accident, not you getting a divorce.”

Turning to Jeremy with a quizzical look on her face, she said, “What are you doing home so early?”

“Maddy’s in her room. She called me a couple of hours ago. She’s not feeling well. I think she missed you. It was a light day, so I came home.”

At that exact moment, Maddy walked into the room and ran to her mom.

“You’re home, mom! Lindsey and I had a big fight and I think she hates me. What am I going to do?”

Maddy was wrapped around Clare, with her head buried in her shoulder. Clare looked from Jeremy to Gwen and back to Jeremy and mouthed the words “It’s good to be home.”

Gwen stayed for dinner and late into the night, recounting all the incidents leading up to her decision to call an end to her marriage, of which many included uncomfortable evenings with Jeremy and Clare. Lindsey had called Maddy a few minutes before dinner and, in the manner of teenagers, arranged to meet at the mall, all being forgiven. One less mouth to assault with Clare’s cooking, Jeremy thought, though the decision to order out had already been made, to everyone’s unspoken relief.

Two bottles of wine later, Gwen returned home, more than a bit tipsy but even more content with her decision. Jeremy had long since gone to bed, but Clare tried to wake him up.

“It really is good to be home. I’ve got a lot to tell you.”

“Mrmpf” was the reply.

“Tomorrow, then. I love you.” Clare knew better than to try to argue with ‘Mrmpf.’

7…

Bright and early the next morning, Clare got a call from the gallery owner organizing one of her upcoming exhibits.

“T minus twelve weeks, Clare. How’s it going?” Sidney believed in pushing her artists, knowing that the word “deadline” was in the vocabulary of very few of them, but “art gets done when it gets done” was the mantra most of them lived by.

“Great, Sid. Just great. No worries.” Clare lied, knowing that Sidney probably knew she was lying. Sidney knew.

“Good to hear. I’ve been sending out teasers to some of my clients and I think you are going to be surprised who shows up. The promise of lots of champagne doesn’t hurt, of course,” Sidney laughed.

She was only half joking. Alcohol lubricates sales, for sure.

“I appreciate what you’ve done for me. That last show really helped my bank account. Jeremy loved it, too.”

“You do such interesting work, Clare, and you are easy to sell. Just wondering. Do you have any photos you could send me of what you will be showing this time? I meant to ask last time we talked.” Sidney was pushing, but she did have publicity to get out into the social media ether.

“I’ll put some things in an email later this week, if that’s okay. I’ve been out of town for a couple of days and I need to catch up with some family stuff. Maddy is being Maddy, you know.” She felt guilty the minute she said it, implying that Maddy was the reason she was focussed on things other than her art. Maddy was innocent this time.

“I understand. I’ve got a kid of my own. Just send what you can soon, okay? Talk again.”

Oh, great, Clare thought. All I’ve got for Sidney is a pile of buttons I haven’t done anything with. I’m cooked.

For the next few hours, though, she actually concentrated on trying to make sense of the pile of buttons, but nothing was coming to her. No inspiration or perspiration. Then it hit her: Napoleon/Josephine. The two of them constructed of buttons. Like that painter who did portraits using vegetables. Giuseppe something. Arcimboldo. Right, that’s the one. I think I’m going to need a few more jars of buttons.

The next day, she took the car and headed to the charity shop next to St. Nicholas. Her friend, Hillary, knew all the other shops in town and which ones might also be likely to have buttons, if she didn’t.

“You know, there’s are a couple of antique stores on Cherokee that might have what you are looking for. Let me give them a call.”

A few brief conversations later, Hillary turned to Clare. “Bingo. The guy at ‘Vintage and Not-So-New’ said he has six three-pound coffee cans full of buttons he’s been trying to get rid of for years. Fifty cents each, if you want them. Struck out with the other shop.”

“Hillary, you are a jewel. I knew you could help,” Clare declared, hugging her friend.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I’ve got a jar of buttons right here, but these will cost you,” Hillary laughed.

“Name your price!”

The traffic getting to and from ‘Vintage and Not-So-New’ was brutal, but Clare came away with enough buttons to complete several portraits, not just of Napoleon and Josephine. Maybe she was on to a new direction for her art. But do I really want to be known as the button lady? I think that could turn into a joke pretty quickly. Maybe not. Just get this show done and we’ll see where it leads.

By the end of the week, she had laid out a rough sketch of what she had in mind, filled it in with some of the buttons and sent it off to Sidney, with a note that said a photo of the completed piece would follow in a few days. Sidney’s reply was “Can’t wait.” Which Clare interpreted, correctly, as “Get a move on!”

Work on the piece went more smoothly and quickly than she had thought it might. Maddy and Jeremy seemed to sense that she was concentrating on something important and refrained from causing a ruckus, unusual for the two of them. Gwen popped in a couple of times, once in tears and once fuming about something Ted had said.

“I’m pretty sure I’m going to kill him,” she began. “Can I borrow one of your knives?”

“Ah, so you want to pin it on me. I get it. Who’d suspect the neighbor?”

“You’re a good friend. I suppose I couldn’t do that to you. Just promise you’ll visit me in prison,” Gwen laughed, the fuming fumed out.

“At least once a week. And I’ll bring snacks.”

“Just a visit will be fine,” Gwen replied, the unspoken “prison will be enough punishment” hanging in the air.

8…

The next Monday morning, as she sat in her studio working on Josephine, one of the pieces she’d be showing at the Sidney Morrison Gallery in Albuquerque in just a few weeks, her phone dinged, indicating that she’d gotten an email. It was from Kram.

“Clare, I got some interesting news from Tommy late last night. He has confirmed that the box belonged to Napoleon. The hallmarks are all authentic. He located receipts for one hundred similar boxes that were used for Napoleon’s food.” Kram summarized the text from Tommy and said, “I’ll forward this to you so you can see the details.”

It seems that Napoleon wasn’t a picky eater, according to what Tommy had been able to uncover, but he knew that his military campaigns would only be successful if this army was well-fed. He offered a large prize for anyone who could develop a method for preserving food beyond the usual methods of drying, smoking, or pickling. Nicolas Appert had been experimenting with a system for filling tins with food, boiling, and then sealing them with wax, and when Napoleon learned of this, he awarded Appert 12,000 French francs and a contract to supply food to the army. Special boxes were created for Napoleon, of course. The Emperor deserved the best.

“By the way, Tommy tested the wax and dirt embedded in the crevices of the box,” the email continued. “The wax was made from the fat of a sperm whale, consistent with the time period, and the particles of dirt imbedded in the wax are from northern France, Indiana, and Missouri. The silver and gold came from mines in western France. The box is absolutely authentic.”

Clare replied to the email: “That phenomenal! Let’s talk in a couple of days. I’m finally immersed right now in this project and afraid I’ll lose my rhythm if I stop.”

“Excellent. Carry on,” was Kram’s reply.

By the end of the week, Clare had completed Josephine and was just about to begin Napoleon, when another email from Kram arrived.

“I sorry to bother you, but I took a quick look at French geography and it showed that there were several possible chateaux in the Commercy area that survived the First World War and might have been the ones from which the box was taken. French property records are incredibly detailed and complete for centuries, so I was able to determine who the owners of the estates had been. I narrowed it down to those that might have a connection to Napoleon and found that Claude Gauchet served as one of Napoleon’s generals. He was part of the corps that was in charge of logistics, especially food. Another link in the chain.”

“You and Tommy are my heroes. I will be getting back to our little mystery in a week or so.”

Napoleon turned out to be rather simple compared to Josephine, so Clare was able to complete it in just a few days. As a bit of a joke, she also did a button portrait of the Duke of Wellington, but when she sent the photos to Sidney, she got a “?” back. Connection lost, apparently.

Good thing I didn’t do a landscape of Waterloo, Clare thought.

With her art show buttoned up, so to speak, Clare got back to the box.

“So it’s real? And it belonged to Napoleon? Cool,” Maddy said when she told her. “Can we sell it and make a million dollars?”

“Well, I’m sure it’s not worth that much, but we need to find out what the laws are about this sort of thing. It may need to be returned to it’s owners in France.”

“Oh, I bet they don’t miss it.” Maddy was trying to think of all the angles. “You bought it fair and square. Can I tell Lindsey?”

“Let’s keep it under our hats for a few more days, okay? Just until I get everything checked out.” Clare knew, though, that Maddy would be on the phone as soon as she was out of the room. There are no secrets between teenage best friends.

9…

The piece of paper Clare had written Edna’s nephew’s name on was buried under a couple dozen sketches of Napoleon and Josephine. She had been thinking for several days whether she should call him. There were lots of questions. Was he really Edna’s nephew was the big one, of course. Could he prove to everyone’s satisfaction that that was the case? If so, would he somehow claim ownership of the box? Had he been in contact with his father about the box? Would the family want it back? What about the original French owners? Should she consult an attorney?

Maybe, Clare thought, the thing to do right now is talk to Kram again. They hadn’t really discussed the ownership question in any detail, being more focused on the authenticity of the object.

“Clare, I’m glad you called,” Kram said cheerily when he answered his phone. “I’ve been thinking about you and our ongoing little problem, if I can call it that.”

“I know. It’s always in the back of my mind, even when I’m doing other things. Now that we know the box, at least, is the real thing, it seems that the next issue to resolve is what to do with it. I imagine that you’ve dealt with ownership issues many times in all the cases you’ve worked on.”

“Yes, you’re right,” Kram began. “It eventually always gets down to who has the legal right to possess the artwork. It’s almost never easy and straightforward. The older a painting or sculpture or object is, the thornier the legal issues. And this one is going to be particularly tough. I’ve been turning it over in my mind a lot and it’s going to be tricky sorting it out.”

“Well, we know who owned the box originally and that it was stolen from them by Edna’s mother’s future husband when he was in France. That much is clear. Right?”

“It would seem so, but since it was been in the possession of Edna’s family for now over a hundred years, they could certainly lay claim to it.” Kram continued his explanation. “However, they apparently didn’t think it was valuable and put it in the estate sale, though perhaps accidentally, where you bought it, so it could also rightfully be considered yours. The legal questions are murky; the moral question of keeping a piece of stolen artwork comes into play, though. That’s the one I think you will have to wrestle with.”

“I think I’ll try to deal with it by calling Richard Morgan. That’s the nephew and see if I can sort some things out with him,” Clare replied, tentatively. “And I’ll heed Tommy’s advice about being cautious. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

That afternoon, after some work on the pieces for her second show, this one in Cincinnati, and a short chat with Gwen about her progress on the divorce, Clare dialed the phone number of Richard Morgan in Boston.

“Morgan and Associates,” the voice on the other end of the line said. “How may I be of assistance?”

“Mr. Morgan, this is Clare Arnold. We don’t know each other, but I’m the one who bought some things at your aunt’s estate sale.”

“Ms. Arnold, so good to hear from you. I was wondering if the agent had indeed given you my number. It has been several weeks,” Morgan began, with what Clare thought was a slight hint of impatience in his voice. “I know everyone is so busy these days. I’m just happy to hear from you. I’d love to know more about how you came to purchase the objects that belonged to my aunt. And call me Richard, please.”

At first, she thought he’d respond by telling him to call her “Clare” but something told her to keep it on a more formal level. Tommy’s advice…

“Well, as the estate agent probably told you, I purchased a carton of odds and ends, and the box you referred to was one of those things. It was pretty dirty, but I’ve cleaned it up somewhat. I’d be interested in knowing what you know of it.”

“As I remember it, it was in rather bad condition when I used to see it at my aunt’s house. I do recall that she told me it had belonged to Napoleon. Just one of those family stories, of course. Every family has them, I know.”

Richard was being coy, Clare could tell. Not giving away all that he knew right off the bat. Nor was she.

“Have you opened the box?” He asked.

She decided to lie.

“No, I haven’t gotten around to that. Like I said, it’s still a bit tarnished and I didn’t want to disturb that. I’m an artist, you see, and I know a bit about conservation. Better leave things as they are until you know exactly what you are dealing with.” In life and in art, Clare thought.

“Good idea. Yes, that’s the right approach. Clare – may I call you Clare? – I’m an antiques dealer here in Boston and I’m actually interested in the box not because it’s a family heirloom, but because I have a client here in the city who collects artifacts that have a connection to Napoleon Bonaparte. His collection is quite extensive, but one of the things that he has not been able to acquire is this particular object. He calls it ‘Napoleon’s lunchbox.’ Funny, I know, but it seems very important to him. Apparently, there is only one other one known to be in existence. You know how collectors are: they must have one of everything.”

While Richard had seemed coy before, this information seemed to tumble out of him. Almost immediately, he returned to his guarded conversational tone.

“Perhaps I’ve said a bit too much.”

Clare decided to play along and asked, “Why do you think my box has anything to do with Napoleon? From what I can tell, it’s probably just a tin box from the ‘20s or ‘30s. When I clean it up, I’ll be able to tell more, obviously.”

“Did you notice a raised area on the lid? Or any hallmarks on the bottom? As an artist, you would have seen those.”

Clare sensed that Richard thought that she was being evasive and was beginning to probe a little more. She was and he was.

“Yes, there was what looked and felt like a bee on the top. Like I say, it’s pretty tarnished. Frankly, I haven’t had the time to investigate it any further.”

“As I recall from my visits with my aunt, the box did have a bee insignia on the top. I’d have to see it in person to be sure, but from what you have told me, I think my client would be very interested in this piece of memorabilia. He’s always anxious to add to his collection. I wonder if you would consider sending it to me so I can verify it’s authenticity? I’d be willing pay for the cost of shipping and give you a deposit against a possible purchase, if my client decides he’d like to acquire the box. Do you do Venmo? I could send, say $10,000, to your account?”

Red flag immediately went up in Clare’s mind. He’s willing to send me $10,000 for something he hasn’t even seen? His client must be rolling in money, she mused.

“Oh, I don’t know, Richard.” It just slipped out. Richard. “That’s very generous of you, but it seems quite a risk on your part. What if it’s not real and I’ve got your money in my account?”

“Clare, I’m willing to take the risk and so is my client.”

“Let me think this through and I’ll get back to you in the next day or so. I need to talk to my husband. You understand.” It was Kram and Tommy she really intended to talk to, of course. Jeremy would be no help. “Send him the box,” he’d say.

“Yes, I understand, but I’d like to conclude this as soon as I can. My client is not a very patient man. If it’s about the money, we can certainly work something out that would be more to your satisfaction.”

“No, what you’ve offered is very generous, like I said. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what I’ve decided.”

Clare didn’t want to prolong the conversation, so she quickly said goodbye and hung up. She immediately dialed Kram’s number, hoping that he’d have a suggestion about what to do. She wasn’t disappointed.

“If he’s willing to put $10,000 into your bank account for a object he hasn’t seen, you can be sure there’s more to this story. I wonder what he would say if you offered to bring the box to Boston so he and his client could see it in person with you present? Tell him that you have a couple of friends on the east coast who know a bit about antiques and you’d like bring them along with you. Richard’s client might know who Tommy is, but I doubt he knows about me. You know I’ve always flown under the radar. This is purely a guess, and Tommy might have a different opinion, but I’d imagine that your box might bring upwards of $50,000 at auction. We haven’t talked about value before, so I’m just throwing that out.”

Clare gasped.

“I’d say that’s worth a trip to Boston. Do you think Richard might be suspicious if I offered to do that?”

“Tell him that Jeremy has business in the city and you’ve been meaning to take a vacation; that you want to combine the two things. See if he offers to pay your airline tickets. That will tell you how anxious he is to conclude a deal. I’ll get there on my own, of course, and Tommy’s just an Acela away.”

“I’ll talk to Jeremy tonight and see if he agrees to a trip,” Clare replied. “I know he’s really busy right now, but I think I can talk him into getting away for a couple of days. Especially when he hears what might be the payoff, so to speak. Though, I still haven’t thought through whether it would be right for me to sell the box rather than return it to France. I’m not even sure how I’d do that. You could help with that, right?”

“Oh, certainly if that is what you decide to do. That would be a very generous thing.”

Kram had always been proud of Clare’s innate integrity. There were a couple of incidents in graduate school when she had persuaded some of her classmates that the assignments they were about to turn in were nothing more than obvious plagiarism and that they would be quickly found out. She managed to save them from themselves, though they were less than happy about having to scramble to meet the professors’ deadlines. The decision about disposition of the box was a few steps off, but Kram was sure that Clare would do what felt right to her in the end, whatever that end might be.

10…

“How would you feel about a trip to Boston?” Clare asked when Jeremy returned from work that evening.

“Do you have a new art show there? I’ve kind of lost track of everything you’re doing? Sorry.”

If Jeremy were being honest, he had no idea from day to day what Clare’s art career involved. Every three or four months, they would fly off to Atlanta, Sausalito, or Santa Fe to spend an evening chatting with local art lovers who pretended to understand what Clare was trying to say with her creations. Very rarely did those art lovers have any idea what she was trying to say because Clare had decided long ago that she wasn’t trying to “say” anything. Her art didn’t reflect a political viewpoint or a particular philosophy. She wasn’t advocating for anything or protesting against anything. She didn’t consider herself part of any art movement; in fact, she resisted being categorized when someone from the world of art journalism, or a local journalist assigned to cover her show, asked her if she was a conceptualist or a post-conceptualist, a minimalist or a surrealist, an expressionist or even an impressionist, as if there were any of them still around. She usually answered “yes” to such a question, leaving the writer confused and annoyed. Confused and annoyed is a good description of my audience, she thought. But she was selling more art than she had reasonably expected to do at this stage in her career and she was always happiest in her studio “fiddling” as she called it.

“No, I’m going to see an antiques dealer who has a client who wants to buy that box you worked on. You remember that box?” It had been by now over a month and she was fairly certain he had moved on from thoughts of the box. As he had. The Cardinals were losing consistently, so the world was once again upside down for Jeremy. “I thought you might like to come along and we could make it a mini vacation. We haven’t been to Boston in ages.”

“When is this trip? You know I’ve got a lot going on at the office.” Jeremy the practical one.

“End of the week? Friday, Saturday and Sunday should be just about right. We could fly up on Thursday afternoon. I’ll meet the dealer on Friday and we can relax and see the sights over the weekend. Maybe drive up to Provincetown. Let’s play it by ear,” Clare suggested, throwing things out on the fly. “Oh, and Kram and Tommy are going to go to the dealer with me. You know they’ve established the authenticity of the box, so I want them to be there to guide the discussion if I decide to sell it.”

“Well, I’m game, but it seems like a long way to go to see about selling that box. What are you talking about? Five or six hundred?”

“You might want to sit down. The dealer said that he’d put $10,000 in our bank account as a deposit against whatever price we agree on. Kram thinks it would bring $50,000 at auction.”

“Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle! Are you kidding me?” Jeremy had practically fallen into one of the dining room chairs where they had begun the conversation. Now he was laughing uncontrollably.

“If Maddy had any hope of getting into college, we could use that to pay her tuition. Or move to Tahiti. She’d like that better, I imagine.” Jeremy was making plans already. Silly plans.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Clare suggested.

“Right. I’ll call the airline and get tickets. You book hotels. Boston, here we come.”

11…

“Mr. Morgan, this is Clare Arnold. I’ve been thinking about what you proposed yesterday, and I have a suggestion. After talking it over with my husband, we’d like to come to Boston and meet you and your client in person, if that would be possible. We’ll bring the box with us, of course and you and he can examine it and see if it is something he would be interested in. How would Friday be?”

Clare had spent a somewhat sleepless night, trying to decide what the best approach would be going forward. Take the lead, she concluded. Set the terms at the outset, as best you can.

It caught Morgan off guard. He was not used to being dictated to, even in the tiny way Clare was doing.

“I, uh, I think that would be fine. I’ll need to talk to my client and be sure that he’s available. May I call you back later today?”

“Yes, of course. I’ll be here all day. I’ll look forward to your call.”

Well, that went better than I expected, Clare thought. He must really want this box… Napoleon’s lunchbox, he called it? Perfect.

It took Richard Morgan less than an hour to get back to Clare. “Yes, Friday would be fine. Let’s plan to meet at my client’s house. I’ll send you the address later in the week. He’s a very private man, so please don’t tell anyone about our discussions.”

“I’d like to bring a couple of my good friends with me, if that’s alright. They have been able to establish the authenticity of the box and I’m sure they will add much to our discussions. They are not in the antiques trade; they are both academics who study art.”

“That puts a bit of a different slant on this. As I said, my client is a very private person and I’m not sure he’d happy with additional people being privy to the details of our negotiations. I’ll have to talk to him about that. I wish you had mentioned this to me earlier.” Richard was clearly annoyed by this last minute information.

“I understand. It’s just that I’d feel more comfortable with them there. I’m sure you understand. And they can provide an extra set of assurances about the origin of the box. I’m sure your client would appreciate that.” Clare had clearly succeeded in gaining the upper hand.

“Indeed, but as I said, I’ll need to confirm this with him. I’ll be in touch soon.”

Only a few minutes passed before Clare’s phone rang. It was Richard.

“My client would like to know the names of your friends. He wishes to check them out, as it were, before he welcomes you and them into his home.”

“I don’t think that’s a problem,” Clare said, wondering if it would be a problem. “Dr. Kramer Ibbotson is an emeritus professor of art history at the University of Denver, and Dr. Thomas Arp teaches at NYU and is an expert in antique silver. You’ll find their credentials are impeccable.”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure. Still… We’ll speak again.” Richard ended the conversation rather abruptly, Clare thought. She wondered if she’d hear from him again. If not, she and Jeremy would have a nice weekend in Boston and the Cape. September was a beautiful time of the year to be in New England.

12…

Direct flights from St.Louis normally take a little over four hours. Clare and Jeremy’s took eight, being diverted first to Nashville and then to Philadelphia by the remnants of an early season hurricane heading up through the middle of the country. The storm itself had died out before it caused any damage to the Gulf states, but sent lots of water northward and spawned tornadoes and floods. Arriving at 9:30, rather than late afternoon as they had planned, put a damper on the beginning of their trip.

“We’ve still got the morning and early afternoon to explore tomorrow. What time are you meeting this guy – Morgan and his guy – you don’t know his name, right?”

“No, we don’t. Kram and Tommy have been trying to find out who it might be. They’ve come up with some possible names, but most of them are fairly well-known in the antiques and art world, so it must be someone entirely different. Richard said his client is a very private person. He emphasized that several times. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow. You don’t mind not going with us, do you?”

“Well, I didn’t mention it earlier,” Jeremy began, “but I discovered that the Cards are playing Boston at Fenway tomorrow and I was thinking of going to the game, if that’s okay? I probably won’t stay for the whole thing, considering how they are playing right now, but you know I’ve never been to Fenway.”

Clare’s first reaction was a bit of annoyance that Jeremy had already made other plans even though he wasn’t invited to go with her to the meeting with Kram and Tommy and the others, but annoyance quickly turned to relief.

“No, that’s really nice that you found out. That will be fun for you. We’re meeting at five. What time’s your game?”

“Four. Kind of an odd time for a game to start, but apparently there’s a Bruins game later that evening, so they want fans to be able to do both.” Jeremy could tell that Clare had no idea who the Bruins were, so that information was superfluous. “Fenway’s right across the street from where we are staying. Good choice.”

When Clare made the hotel reservations, she had no idea that they would be within spitting distance of one of baseball’s most hallowed grounds. She and Kram and Tommy were meeting Richard Morgan at a residence on Queensbury Street, the address having been sent Thursday morning. Everything was close by. No need for a lot of Ubering around.

The sandwiches they had grabbed at the airport in Philadelphia were all they had had to eat all day, since airlines had stopped serving anything other than peanuts on most of the flights and even those were restricted because of the allergies so many people seemed to have these days. When they finally got to the hotel, they were directed to a little diner a block away that stayed open until very late at night when the Red Sox were in town. To their surprise, the clam chowder at this unprepossessing place was spectacular. A hand-painted sign behind the counter read “Open since 1919. We still miss the Babe.”

The next morning, when Clare woke up, Jeremy was gone. He was an early riser and was already downstairs at the breakfast buffet. She had learned over the years that whatever hotel they were staying in had to have a full breakfast available, not just rolls and coffee. Jeremy needed protein and carbohydrates to get his day started.

She picked up her phone and texted him. “How’s the breakfast?”

“Excellent,” was his reply. “They serve beans, just like that cruise we were on in England.”

“Baked, I’ll bet.”

“Right you are.”

By the time he got back to the room, Clare had showered and dressed and was ready for a morning of exploring Boston. Though Jeremy was not a big museum guy (“I see art everyday at home; why do I need to look at it anywhere else?” he once said), they decided to walk over to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. As they walked in the front door, just after eleven thirty, she got a text from Kram.

“Just landed. Headed to the hotel. Be in touch.”

A few minutes later, another text from Kram: “Tommy says he will meet us at the hotel at 4.”

Everyone was nearly in place for their meeting with Morgan and his mysterious client.

A half hour touring the museum was about as much as Jeremy could take, so after lunch in the museum café, he was ready to head back to the hotel. Clare’s thoughts weren’t on the artwork in the Gardner either, so she was happy to go. She wanted the time to mentally prepare for the rest of the evening, which was sure to be interesting. She had not decided what she would do if she were offered an extraordinary amount of money for an object she had picked up at an estate sale for next to nothing. That wasn’t even why she bought the box of odds and ends; it was the buttons.

At three o’clock, Jeremy put on his Cardinal’s baseball hat and started for the door. She hadn’t even seen him pack it! He knew before they left St.Louis he was going to the game! If she weren’t preoccupied, she might have been a bit mad at him, but she just laughed it off.

“Have a great time at the game. I’ll see you later,” she said, cheerily.

“Love you,” he said, hugging her somewhat sheepishly, she thought. “Thanks for letting me go. Good luck with the box.”

At precisely four o’clock, she got a text from Tommy. “Downstairs with Kram. I’ve got it with me.”

Clare chuckled. She couldn’t imagine that he’d forget and leave the box back in Manhattan, but it was possible. What a trip this would have been! she thought.

The lobby was empty except for her two friends and colleagues in the enterprise they were about to embark upon.

“I have to admit that I feel like I’m coming into this meeting very unprepared,” Clare began.

“I’m not sure any of us knows what to expect, except that we are dealing with someone who doesn’t want to be known,” Kram replied. “The address that you sent me yesterday is listed as a vacant building by the City of Boston’s Planning Department. In fact, it has been listed that way since early 1991. But this is a coincidence I didn’t have time to check into: at the time, it was owned by someone named Morgan, the same last name as Edna’s nephew. If there is a connection, it would be an interesting one, to say the least.”

“Oh, that’s just too much for me to believe,” Clare laughed. “There must be thousands of people in the country named Morgan.”

“I’m sure Clare’s right. Just a coincidence,” Tommy ventured. “So, what are you leaning to as far as selling the box, Clare? Do we need to think about a plan to get us through the evening without embarrassing ourselves?”

“Well, you two are there to verify the box is authentic; that it belonged to Napoleon. If Morgan or his client wants to dispute that, but offer to buy it anyway, then that ends the discussion. It will be evident that they are trying to get something for nothing. From there, I think I’m just going to have to rely on my gut. If selling it to this person seems like the right thing to do, I think I’ll know it. If not, tomorrow is another day. God, I can’t believe I just said that!”

“Sometimes, clichés are the only sensible responses,” Kram laughed. “We will support you in whatever decision you make. I know it will be the right one.”

“I agree. Not just about the clichés. Let your gut be your guide,” Tommy said, concurring with the plan and looking at his watch. “I think we should head to our destination and see if it’s really an abandoned building. Wouldn’t that be a joke on us!

13…

The walk to the address Clare had been given took them fifteen minutes. As they left the hotel, they could hear cheering from the baseball stadium.

“That sounds like Boston is winning,” Tommy ventured. “They are having a good year, I understand from my son, who is a Yankees fan and hates the Red Sox.”

“Jeremy’s going to be devastated if his Cardinals lose, though just getting to go to a game here was a big deal. For him. I’ll hear all about it later, I’m sure.”

Clare was very forgiving of Jeremy’s lack of interest in the things she was interested in. In some ways, it made it easier to concentrate on her art and garden. He had his loves, she had hers. He was supportive when she needed him to be and she tried to do the same. She was actually glad he didn’t feel the need to include her in his sports obsession. She couldn’t imagine sitting in the cold watching a football game or baking in the sun, playing a round of gold. What was the point? None, she finally concluded and maybe that was the point. They were just experiences and didn’t have to have a point.

When they arrived at the address n Queensbury Street, they could tell that the building was clearly occupied. In fact, it presented an extraordinarily fastidious, affluent face to the world. How could it be listed as vacant? Clearly the owner had some friends somewhere helping him remain anonymous for some reason.

Set back a good fifty feet behind an eight-foot tall, ornate iron fence rose the facade of a Richardsonian Romanesque mansion, surrounded on the sides by lush gardens. Clare, Kram and Tommy looked at each other in bewilderment. It was not at all what they were expecting, but maybe they hadn’t actually thought about what to expect in any detail.

“How do you remain a very private person when you live in the middle of Boston in a house like this?” Clare asked, echoing what they were all thinking. “It’s obviously a very high-income area, so maybe the neighbors are just as private.”

“I imagine that’s true. Wealthy folks tend to stay to themselves except when they want to present a certain face to the world. Well, old money, at least. The newly wealthy, I won’t name names, seem to want to flaunt it.” Kram shook his head in what to Clare seemed to be a mixture of sadness and disgust.

“Shall we open the gate and see who the master of the house is, my friends?” Tommy suggested.

When they reached the top step of the small veranda, the door opened and they were greeted by Richard Morgan. He was not smiling.

“We are disappointed that this has turned into a rather larger gathering than we originally hoped for, but we will make the best of it.”

We

In their previous conversations, Morgan had never used the word ‘we.’ He had always just spoken about his ‘client’ and himself. Clare glanced at Kram with a questioning look. What could this mean, she wondered?

“Well, do come in and we’ll sort it out,” Morgan said, with a wave. “We will talk in the library, just on the right.”

The library was a large, misnamed room because there were almost no books on the floor-to-ceiling shelves that covered the walls. On those shelves were all sorts of military memorabilia, autographed photos of military leaders and equipment, and, yes, a few books about military matters. Dotted around the room were poles sporting flags of the US military and of foreign countries. On the shelves on one wall were, it seemed the owner’s most prized possessions: artifacts of Napoleon Bonaparte. A bust of the Emperor by Antonio Canova took center stage, with a discrete spotlight trained on it. On one shelf, a tricorn hat sat next to a sash that was often seen in paintings of the general. There were coins scattered randomly, Clare thought, on the shelves, along with a set of silver bowls that might have been used by him. There were paintings and sculptures taking up every square inch of the wall and shelf space. It was an amazing collection, but the overall impression it gave to Clare was of someone who didn’t so much collect Napoleon as accumulate Napoleon. And it was evident that the owner had little interest in letting others see what he had acquired.

“I see that you are admiring my collection,” a voice behind them said, barely above a whisper. “He was the greatest general and leader of a nation in human history. He was badly treated by the English, but he rose above it every day of his life, until the end, sadly.”

“Ms. Arnold and gentlemen, let me introduce you to my uncle, Franklin Morgan,” Richard Morgan began, turning to a small figure, whom Clare judged to be at least ninety-five. Perhaps more. He couldn’t have been more than 5’5”, the same size as the object of his collecting obsession. But despite his evident age, he stood completely upright, as if he were at attention. He had the bearing of someone who had spent his life in the military. Perhaps it had been decades of osmosis, absorbing the trappings of that existence that surrounded him.

Clare managed not to gasp at the disclosure of the relationship between the two men, but it was all she could do not to. The first words out of her mouth were, though, “You’re Edna’s brother?”

“That is correct. My dear sister chose to remain in the midwest during her unfortunate marriage, while I made my life here in New England. This has been my home for seventy-five years, but I have hardly ventured out since the death of my wife in 1991,” Morgan began. “I have been fortunate to have the solicitude of my extraordinary nephew who has assisted me with my business dealings as well as my interest in acquiring the artifacts that once belonged to Monsieur Bonaparte.”

“You do have an extraordinary collection, Mr. Morgan,” Kram jumped in. “Let me introduce myself. I’m Kramer Ibbotson, retired. I once endeavored to instill an appreciation of art and history in uninterested undergraduates at the University of Denver.”

“Dr. Ibbotson, I have taken the liberty of doing some research into your background. You understand that I don’t invite just anyone into my home. This morning, I read your paper on the iconography of William Blake’s The Good and Evil Angels. While I don’t agree with all of your conclusions, I think you covered the subject with admirable resourcefulness.”

Turning to Tommy, Morgan continued, “And you must be Dr. Thomas Arp, the renowned expert in European and Southeast Asian silver. It is an honor to meet you, also. Your appearances on The Antiques Roadshow have been a delight.”

“And Ms. Arnold! We meet at last! Well, you are making quite a name for yourself in the art world itself. Remind me before we conclude our discussions to procure a business card from you. While I don’t travel these days, Richard is empowered to scour the art shows for things I might add to my other collections. I’m sure he’ll join you at one in the future.”

With the introductions out of the way, Franklin sat down behind a large, walnut desk that Kram judged to certainly be from the one of Napoleon’s residences. When he was comfortable, he gestured for the others to sit also, except Richard, who took up a position behind and to one side of his uncle. It was clear that the business of the evening had begun.

Morgan’s age, appearance and courtly demeanor had momentarily thrown Clare, Kram, and Tommy off balance. They hadn’t quite known what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t this. Clare recovered quickly.

“Mr. Morgan…”

“Oh, please, do call me Franklin. I feel we are on a first name basis already,” Morgan interrupted. “And I’ll call you Clare.” It was not a question, but a statement of intent.

Clare hesitated just a beat. “Franklin, thank you for inviting us into your home. I apologize for there being more of us than you might have been comfortable with, but I felt my friends could add their expertise to our discussion.”

“And provide some security? Of course. All is well.” Morgan waived off Clare’s apology, though it was evident that he would have been happier if it had been just her sitting in front of his desk. “Now, shall we get to the matter at hand. I see that Dr. Arp has a container that must be transporting something of interest to me. May I see it, please?”

Tommy leaned over to the desk and placed a metal case, like ones used to transport expensive camera equipment, in front of Morgan. He clicked open the latches and withdrew an object wrapped in a velvet, tarnish-inhibiting cloth. He had gone all out. Clare was impressed. Morgan seemed to be slightly less so.

“Please unwrap it, Dr. Arp.” Again, Morgan’s tone seemed to be a command, not a request.

Without a word, Tommy pulled the cloth away to revealed the shiny box, still encrusted with some of the tarnish and a bit of the centuries-old grim. It had been cleaned just enough.

“Magnificent!”

Morgan stared at the box with delight and… desire. He momentarily tried to hide his evident eagerness to pick up the box and cradle it in his arms, but instead he turned to Clare and asked, “May I examine it?”

“Yes, of course. That’s why we are here,” she replied.

“Richard, my gloves.”

From a drawer in the desk, Richard produced gloves that looked at first like an ordinary pair of disposables used to handle food or anything the least bit undesirable you might risk getting on your hands. On a second look, it was clear that they were made of the thinest leather imaginable, sized exactly for Franklin Morgan’s small hands. These gloves were evidently not meant to be disposed of.

When he had put them on, with help from Richard, Morgan reverently picked up the silver box and regarded it with admiration. He rubbed his fingers lovingly over the bee emblem on the top and turned it over to look at the hallmarks on the bottom. Gently, he removed the lid and stared into the gold interior. Replacing the lid and taking a last look, he handed it to Richard, who in the mean time had put on an ordinary pair of disposable gloves.

“Your opinion?”

Much as his uncle had done, Richard turned the box over and over, looking at it from various angles.

“The insignia is correct and the hallmarks are right,” he mused.

Turning to Clare and the others, he said, “I assume you have satisfied yourselves that this is authentic?”

Kram stepped in.

“Dr. Arp has verified that the silver and gold came from France and the detritus still on the box was tested for its origins, also. The wax is from France and the grime is from Indiana and Missouri, places your mother and sister lived. I have been able to trace the box back to the Gauchet family in France. We also believe that we know how it came to be in your sister’s estate sale. We have brought along a report on the provenance of the box.”

“Excellent. Both Richard and I are satisfied that this is indeed one of the last such containers Napoleon carried with him on his military campaigns. What you have discovered, Clare, is of inestimable importance and I salute you for that. However, Richard tells me that our attorneys say that the legal ownership of the box, though purchased by you unawares in an estate sale, remains with the Morgan family.”

Clare looked from Franklin to Richard to Tommy and then to Kram.

“I see,” she said. “Well, that throws a new light on things, doesn’t it?”

Once again, Kram interjected. “Well, I’m not so sure it’s quite that simple. There are numerous instances in which the ownership of a historical artifact has been decided in the opposite way. I imagine that if this were to go to court, the wrangling could go on for quite some time.”

“Indeed.” Addressing Clare now, Morgan said, “Which is why I’m willing to forego that unpleasantness. Ms. Arnold…”

The discussion had now turned formal again and become a negotiation.

“Ms. Arnold, I’m willing to purchase this box from you for a generous price, if we can agree on that. Are you willing to accommodate my desire to own what had once long been in my family and, of course, that of the Emperor?” Morgan continued. “Before you answer, you should know that I’ve gotten an estimate of the auction value of such an important piece of history and I’m prepared to offer you $500,000, which can be in your bank account before you and your friends leave this room.”

He let the offer sink in for a few seconds and then he added, “You understand, I’m also fully prepared to challenge your ownership in court, if need be, which I’m confident will result in my acquisition of the box with an ultimately much smaller cost to me.”

If it sounded like a threat, Clare was pretty sure it was a threat, albeit one delivered in a most gentlemanly manner.

“Now look here, Morgan…” Tommy had been sitting quietly by, but the implication of a legal wrangle made him angry.

“Wait, Tommy,” Clare jumped in, deciding to try to move the discussion back to a somewhat friendlier place. “Franklin,” she began, deliberately using his first name, “your offer is very generous. I’m overwhelmed. I could never have imagined that this piece of metal that I almost put in my thrift store box when I got home from the estate sale would have any value at all.” She laughed, knowing early on that it was something of real interest, at least. Even Jeremy was intrigued by it. She hoped that her laugh would throw both the Morgans off just a bit.

“I’m glad you are amused. Does that mean that you are entertaining my offer?” Morgan’s tone was slightly less menacing, but still had an edge that showed he had made his position quite clear: Take my money or I will take your box anyway and make you pay for the pleasure of giving it to me.

“Well, yes,” Clare replied. “How could I not? I know you are anxious to conclude this, but I really feel that I need to talk to my husband first. And confer with my friends. I’m sure you understand. Could you see your way clear to giving me until tomorrow for my answer?”

Morgan was not used to being put off. He looked at Richard, annoyance clear on this face.

“If I increased my offer, would that make a difference? Say an additional ten percent? Five hundred and fifty thousand dollars is a great deal of money, to you, I’m sure.”

It was one of those statements that instantly separates someone who has lots and lots of money from someone who does not. Clare tried very hard not to be offended. She had come to understand the dynamics of the situation very quickly. The Morgans were being very subtly, well, maybe not so subtly, menacing and domineering. She stood her ground.

“Franklin, as I said, your offer is much more than I could have imagined, but I do need just a bit of time to discuss it with my husband. It affects him and my daughter Maddy as much as it does me.” She hadn’t mentioned Maddy. She instantly regretted it.

“Oh, you have a daughter. She must be a baby. You look too young to have one older than that.” Franklin had returned to being solicitous, feeling that might be the path to a conclusion of the negotiations.

Clare ignored his attempt at a compliment and said, “She’s ready for college, so selling you the box would provide for her future, but as I said, I need until tomorrow to give you my answer. Can you give me that much time?”

The Morgans looked at each other and it was clear that Richard wanted it settled then and there, but Franklin appeared to be hesitating, perhaps swayed by Clare’s insistence on discussing it with Jeremy.

“Clare…”

Back to being familiar.

“… I’m an old man, as you can well see. I do not have much time left. I’m not ill but the odds are against me. I need to take my pleasures when and as quickly as I can. Owning another item that was part of the world of the great man himself would give me intense enjoyment. It might be the last part of his legacy that I will every possess. Even one more day without it will be agony, now that I have seen it and touched it. But I understand your need to consult with your family. I do that every day with mine.”

He turned to Richard. “Shall we give her until tomorrow?”

It was clear that Richard hardly ever said ‘no’ to his uncle, so he merely nodded.

“Fine,” Franklin said. “We will allow you some time for a decision. I will expect it by 3:00 tomorrow afternoon. Good evening.”

And with that, he stood up from behind the desk, with Richard’s help and walked to the door, not looking back or acknowledging his guests further.

“I’ll show you to the door,” Richard said. “We’ll expect to hear from you by 3:00. Please don’t delay. My uncle would be annoyed.”

14…

“Well, that was interesting,” Tommy said.

“Oh, more so than you might imagine,” Kram replied. “I’m going to make a few phone calls when we get back to the hotel. In the meantime, Clare, I’d suggest that tomorrow morning, you call Richard and tell him that you will meet him and his uncle at 3:00 to hand over the box.”

Clare was stunned. She had thought that Kram, like Tommy earlier, would have been offended by the rather highhanded treatment that the three of them had endured, especially the implied threat of legal action, law suits, and loss of the box in the end.

“If I’m right,” he continued, “you’ll get to keep the box and possibly something quite substantial in addition. I’ll know more in the morning. Now, let’s have a nice dinner at an expensive Boston beanery. Clare, call Jeremy and tell him to meet us at O’Callahan’s Public House in an hour. I imagine the baseball game will be over by then and we can either celebrate with him or we can console him for his team’s loss.”

The dinner was expensive, as was the wine. Tommy, it turned out, was something of a wine connoisseur. Three very pricey bottles of red and two whites went on his part of the ticket. Clare got off easy; Jeremy was a beer-drinker. Budweiser, of course, but the restaurant only served local craft beers, so he had to experiment.

“Not bad, but I’d never pay $12.00 for a glass of beer back home,” he groused. After his third.

“I know it’s early, but I need to sleep,” Clare finally announced, feeling the affects of the wine. “Jeremy and I will catch a cab. Kram, I’ll listen for your call in the morning. My friends, thank you for your support and encouragement this evening. I imagine tomorrow will be exciting.”

Kram just smiled and said goodnight. Tommy stood up and hugged Clare. “You handled the Morgans expertly. Kram was right about you. Until tomorrow.”

As they walked to the taxi, Clare wondered what it was that Kram had told Tommy about her, beyond what he might have picked up in their time together in the last few weeks. She had always thought of herself, when she thought of herself, as merely an artist, not a starving one by any means, but not in the top ranks of contemporary notice. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to be there, anyway. She’d be expected to do more than she wanted to do, be more than she was. She was satisfied with her twice-a-year shows for Sidney, her studio, her family, her life. It was enough. Kram had always been her cheerleader and saw something in her that she perhaps didn’t always see: determination. Maybe that was all he implied.

When she and Jeremy got back to the hotel, they both collapsed onto the bed. It was all they could do to get up again, take off their clothes, brush their teeth and crawl under the covers. Within minutes, they were sound asleep.

At nine o’clock the next morning, Clare’s phone rang. Somewhat groggily, she picked up. It was Kram.

“Clare, can you meet Tommy and me downstairs in half an hour? We have to discuss plans for the day.”

“Uh, sure, I think. You woke me up.”

“Sorry. I was afraid of that. Anyway, 9:30 or so? Give or take?” He was trying to be gentle, given what he imagined Clare’s head must have felt like. She had done her best to help with the wine.

After a quick shower and application of a minimal amount of makeup, the only amount she ever wore, actually, Clare stumbled to the elevator and rode it down to the lobby of the hotel. In a corner of the restaurant attached to the hotel she found Kram and Tommy, talking very seriously it seemed to her.

“Clare, I’m afraid that we have stumbled into something more than just the ownership or sale of an artifact belonging to Napoleon,” Kram began. “Last evening, before we met for dinner, I called one of my friends at the FBI Art Crimes Division. I had seen something in Franklin Morgan’s library that precipitated my call.”

Clare was stunned. “The FBI? What…?”

“As you know, we’re sitting in the city where one of the most notorious art thefts in history took place. One that has never been solved. Until now, I believe.” Kram was looking intently from Clare to Tommy. “You may not have noticed when we were shown into the library a group of flags on standards, with military insignias. On the top of one of the French standards was a silver eagle finial, the symbol of Napoleon’s Imperial Guard. It was one of the items stolen from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in 1990.”

Clare stared in disbelief. “You are kidding. No, I can see you aren’t.”

Kram continued. “I also noticed, among the artwork, nearly hidden, was a small drawing that showed a battle scene. I’m certain it is the one stolen from the Museum of Fine Arts in Budapest. It was never recovered. I believe, and my friend at the FBI also believes, that Franklin Morgan has at least one, and maybe more, stolen pieces of art from the Gardner heist, as it’s known. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence that he seems to have disappeared in 1991. Maybe it was as he said because of the death of his wife. The FBI has had him in its sights for some time, but never able to directly connect him. Until now. This afternoon, when you go to hand over Napoleon’s lunchbox, you are going to be accompanied by agents with a search warrant, if you agree.”

“Clare,” Tommy began, “neither Kram nor I believe there is any danger, if that’s what you are thinking, but it would be good to get Jeremy down here to talk this through. That is if you are willing to do this. The only danger might be if you decide not to do it. Who knows what the Morgans might decide to do then.”

“Tommy’s right. It seems like the choice is to let the FBI do it’s job, recover the stolen artwork, and arrest the Morgans, or sell them the box. I don’t think Franklin would be happy being turned down,” Kram reiterated.

Picking up her phone, Clare texted Jeremy: “Put on your pants and get down here right now.”

Her phone pinged: “What’s the hurry? The breakfast buffet was good but not that good. I’ll see you in ten minutes.”

“Okay, what do I need to do?” Clare had quickly decided that the only course of action that made sense was to go with Kram’s suggestion. She could also tell that plans had already been put in place, so events might move along with or without her. She instinctively knew she wanted to see them through.

“After we talk to Jeremy and explain the situation, if he agrees, you’ll call Richard Morgan and tell him you have decided to sell the box to his uncle. Tell him you’ll come to his house at 3:00, with just your husband this time. As soon as you are met at the door, the FBI agents will come up the steps, serve the warrant and take it from there. Just so it looks realistic, you’ll carry the camera case we had last night, but the box won’t be in it. There will be no need for that. Tommy and I will guard it here at the hotel until you get back.”

“It can’t be as simple as that, can it?” Clare was a bit skeptical. “Surely, that place has a security system with cameras and sensors and things.”

Kram shook his head and laughed. “You’d think, wouldn’t you, with what may be some of the most valuable art work in the world inside, but Franklin Morgan has had decades to create his anonymity, in plain sight, as it were. Richard’s front as an antiques dealer has been the perfect cover, so to speak. They have had help, no doubt, but they believe they are absolutely safe. They have been… until this afternoon.”

15…

At 3:00, Clare and Jeremy walked through the ornate, wrought-iron gate to Franklin Morgan’s house, carrying the case that did not in fact contain Napoleon’s lunchbox. As soon as the door opened, six FBI agents appeared behind them, presenting Richard Morgan with a warrant to search the premises. The search discovered much, but not all of the artwork stolen from the Gardner Museum, as well as artifacts and paintings stolen from other museums around the world.

A few months later, as Clare and Jeremy were sitting in their front room, Jeremy watching a basketball game and Maddy happily creating inane content for TikTok, Clare’s phone rang. It was Kram.

“I just thought you should know that the recovery of the stolen artwork has come with a substantial reward.” Kram began. “It’s not the number that Morgan was willing to pay, but it’s a healthy sum.”

“Whatever it is, I’m going to share it with you and Tommy. You did all of the hard work. I just bought an old box at an estate sale.” Clare looked up at the object sitting on their mantle, shining in the glare of the tv.

“No need for that. I got my reward with the recovery of the stolen art work. Have you decided what you are going to do with the box now? I know there are legitimate collectors who would love to own it, given its new fame.”

“Yes, I have,” Clare replied. “I know what I’m going to do.”

16…

“Maddy, your dad and I are going to be taking a short trip next week and we’d like to know if you want to go with us.”

“Oh, mom, this isn’t going to be another ‘family’ things is it? The last time, we ended up spending two days at Disneyland. That’s for little kids!” Maddy had not enjoyed being mauled by Minnie Mouse and made to wear a fake pirate’s hat and eyepatch. She accidentally sent one of the photos of the experience to Lindsey, who wasn’t letting her live that down.

“Well, if that’s the way you feel, I guess your dad and I will just enjoy Paris on our own.”

“Wait. Paris? Like in France? For real?”

“Exactly like in France,” Clare could hardly contain her giggles. “You know that old box you thought we could sell for a million dollars, well the descendants of the family who originally owned it have invited us to come to visit them. I’m going to give them back Napoleon’s lunchbox.”

“And we’ll get a million dollars?” Maddy was already mentally picking out her spring wardrobe.

“No, sweetie, but this will be even better.”

HoLMS

I’ve been a Sherlock Holmes fan for a long time. One of the premiums for becoming a Book of the Month Club member, back in 1962, was a set of the stories of Sherlock Holmes. I think my brother has those first books I bought, but here is a newer set of those same books I bought several years ago.

I’ve also got a number of other volumes of Holmes stories, including a few patisches and faux Sherlock Holmes detectives. None, of course, come close to the originals, but I appreciate the reverence in which Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is held to even attempt something like that.

Suzanne and I are also big fans of the Jeremy Brett portrayal of Holmes. Who would have guessed that Freddy Eynsford-Hill from “My Fair Lady” would turn out to be the penultimate interpreter of Holmes? Back before streaming became the easiest way to watch TV, we even bought the DVD set so we could indulge our love of Holmes any time we wanted. Right now, we are watching the Sherlock series on BritBox. Or is it Amazon Prime? I can never remember; we just hunt for him as we need to do.

There have been lots of attempts to portray Holmes on film — Basil Rathbone did an excellent job, though the stories were pretty loose; Benedict Cumberbatch is an out-of-control Holmes and the episodes are just weird; Robert Downey, Jr., is Robert Downey, Jr., playing Holmes playing Robert Downey, Jr.; Michael Cain and Ben Kingsley were a wonderful, comedic pair; Christopher Plummer, Alan Arkin, Frank Langella, Roger Moore (!), Gene Wilder, Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Buster Keeton (!!!), and Ian McKellen have all played Holmes with varying degrees of success.

But my favorite non-Brett Holmes is the one played by George C. Scott in the movie “They Might Be Giants.” Scott plays a judge who retreats into his fantasy of being Holmes after his wife dies. His brother tries to get him admitted to a mental institution but he meets a psychiatrist, played by Joanna Woodward, whose name, surprisingly/conveniently, is Dr. Mildred Watson. Comedy and mystery ensue and the movies is just downright fun. To paraphrase a 1930s review of a Broadway actress, George C. Scott could read the phone book and make it riveting (if you could find a phone book these days).

Several months ago, BC (before Covid), I was having lunch with a friend of mine. I had just come back from a trip to Lowe’s to pick up something or other and had seen a display of a self-propelled, robotic mower, something like those Roombas that automatically vacuum your floors, only this thing will cut your grass and then go plug itself into a charging station. We were laughing about what might happen if it got out of the yard somehow and how you might have to put up fliers on telephone poles around town seeking to get it back. Well, that percolated in my brain for a while and I decided to write a story about it and here it is, with apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who I’m sure is somewhere out there in the ether, still getting virtual royalties.

The Adventure of the Missing Mower

I’ve always been something of an “early adopter.” I was the first kid in high school to have a transistor radio. I spent the entire summer I got it with the tiny, tinny earpiece in my ear, listening to the Beach Boys and Leslie Gore. When school started in the fall, I spent several days in the principal’s office because I hid the transistor in my book bag and tried to listen to it when I should have been doing quadratic equations or reading “Silas Marner.” My teachers were not amused.

When I got my driver’s license, I convinced my dad to put an eight-track tape player in my mom’s car because that was the one I got to drive on Saturday nights. I was very popular with the guys and the girls, even though the car was the epitome of a family car — a 1963 Ford Fairlane station wagon. Even though the eight-track was notorious for eating tapes, it was incredibly convenient for moving them from my bedroom, to the den, to the car and back to my bedroom as needed. As soon as cassette tapes made an appearance, I put a tape player in the 1966 Mustang my grandmother gave me as a graduation present. I always managed to have the latest amp, tuner, turntable, tape deck, and speakers. My parents were very generous and I was very appreciative.

Beside music, I got interested in computers early on when I started engineering classes at UTA. I built a rudimentary computer from a Heathkit kit (redundant, I know) and later moved on to a Sinclair 1000, right after they came on the market in the U.S. After about a month, I started using it as a doorstop because it was maddening to try to do anything with. The keyboard was just this thin membrane that you had to press very hard to make contact with the switches underneath. For a while, I used an external keyboard that I hacked into the system, but that arrangement lasted only so long. Since the Sinclair didn’t come with a monitor, I had to hook it up to my TV which took longer than the time I spent trying to write a program to play tic-tac-toe on the thing. Other computers inevitably followed and anything requiring tinkering got my attention.

My interest in gadgets inevitably earned me a Ph.D. in electrical engineering and the nameplate, Dr. Watson, on the door of my lab at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. All of that is prelude to what brings me to my current adventure, which began unfolding over the course of the winter and a couple of weeks this spring.

In addition to being “the first kid on my block” to do most things, I’m also pretty lazy. Always have been. The phrase that I have probably heard most often in my life is “Johnny, get up! You’ll be late for….” school, work, church, your wedding, etc. If I can put off doing something, I’ll put it off. If I can avoid it all together, I’ll avoid it.

Yard work is the thing I am the most likely to put off or avoid entirely. I’ve never liked to mow or weed, so my yard never wins the neighborhood “Best of…” award. I since I live in a fairly up-scale suburb of Kansas City, on the Kansas side of the line, the expectation is that not only will your lawn be immaculate, but it will be mowed in a particular pattern, different every time, but recognizable for the effort to passersby. We have a few people in the HOA who are casually referred to as the “lawn police” and every now and then, I’ve found a note in my mailbox “suggesting” that I do a better job with the yard in order to maintain the high standards of the neighborhood.

I suppose you could add passive-aggressive to the list of my character traits, because for a couple of year, I took pains to do the yard work in an almost-acceptable manner. I’d mow in a figure eight pattern, or horizontally for a few strips and vertically for the next few. Sometimes, I’d deliberately miss a patch of grass or, most egregiously of all, “forget” to blow the clippings off my driveway! That, it seems, in my neighborhood is the biggest affront of all. There must be no evidence that the lawn has been mowed save for the immaculate nature of the stripes left behind.

As I said, over the winter, I happened to stumble on a device in an ad in Science magazine for a GPS-enabled lawn mower, much like those vacuums that automatically sweep your floors and then go plug themselves into their charging station. I felt like Archimedes saying “Eureka!” when he ran naked through the streets of Syracuse (the one in Sicily, not the one in upstate New York). This was the answer for both my laziness and my fights with the fascists in the HOA: a lawn mower that I didn’t have to push, ride, or pay someone else to push or ride; a lawn mower that would continuously keep my grass at the prescribed height, in the pattern that would please the folks who wandered through the neighborhood taking note of such useless things; and, a lawnmower that would satisfy my compulsion to be the innovator, the first to do something.

So, as quickly as I could find it on Amazon Prime, I ordered the just-released Horizontal Lawn Maintenance System 3000, Lithium-ion battery powered, GPS-enabled, shiny red, guaranteed to “keeping your lawn looking the envy of the neighborhood.” The next day, a box arrived, the size of those tiny houses being build for millennials who haven’t discovered that in five years they will have six storage units scattered around town holding all the stuff they accumulate that won’t fit in their 200 square foot home. The mower had been on the market for twelve hours and Amazon delivered it in eighteen. Ah, the modern world. It used to take two weeks for an order from Montgomery Ward to show up.

Being the nerd I am, I opted not to have MicroMaintenance, the company that created the mower, do the installation. I realized that I was voiding the warranty, but I was willing to chance it, seeing as how the installation couldn’t be scheduled until late April and we have had a really warm winter. I was sure that I could get the necessary bits and pieces set up before the first sprigs of grass would appear.

On a sunny, warm early-March day, I rented a machine that cuts a tiny trench into which the guide wire for the sensors would go and around the boundary of my lot I went, laying the wire. About halfway through, I had another “Eureka” moment and decided that I would install an electronic dog fence at the same time. My kids had been after me for months to get a dog, to which cajoling my wife and I finally succumbed, but predictably, the kids didn’t walk Toby as they had promised, so it devolved to Mary and me to perform that tasks multiple times a day. We briefly talked about installing a traditional fence, but that was another hassle with the HOA and city I didn’t want to deal with. The electric fence was the answer. Turns out that was a waste of time and money, which will become apparent shortly.

With the guide wires installed and the charging unit powered, I took HoLMS, as I began calling it, out for the setup and testing, via an app on my iPhone. The unit came fully charged, so I powered it on and it began moving around the yard. When it came to one of the guide wires, it would change directions and start mowing a different path. Now, I don’t have a very complicated yard; as I said, since I don’t like working outside, we don’t have a bunch of flower beds or obstacles to mow around. A few trees and that’s about it.

Besides the guide wires, HoLMS can navigate by GPS, so I walked the boundary of the yard, punching in landmarks and adding these to its memory. The yard looked pretty dismal since I hadn’t done much cleanup in the fall, yet HoLMS powered through the clumps of dead grass and piles of leaves even thought the instructions suggested that you do an initial mowing with a traditional mower and bag any leave that might be on the yard. Yeah, right.

The day after I set up HoLMS, it snowed five inches and kept snowing for several days. It turned out to be one of the snowiest Marches on record, so HoLMS didn’t get a chance to do its stuff until the beginning of April. That break was just what I needed to begin tinker with the mower. Another brand has recently come out with a voice-activated feature that operates through Siri. That seemed like a useful feature, so I installed a few components that I found on line and created my own iPhone app to let HoLMS know what I wanted it to do.

As soon as there was the slightest hint of green in the yard, I took HoLMS out and let it begin its task. Over the course of about six hours, it manicured the lawn, stopping only once to recharge. As a bit of a joke, I took out my phone, opened my app and said, “Thank you, HoLMS, for doing such a great job.”

To my great surprise, HoLMS answered, “You are quite welcome, Dr. Watson.”

I looked around to see if someone else had replied, playing a trick on me. My usually nosy neighbor, Mrs. Hudson, was nowhere to be seen, so I said, “HoLMS, did you just speak to me?”

“Why, yes. Isn’t that why you installed Irene?”

“Irene” was the name I had given my voice-assisted app.

“Frankly, I had expected it to be mostly a one-way conversation, but since we are chatting like this, is everything working properly?” Again, I was a bit self-conscious about having a conversation with a lawn mower, but I thought that this would be a good way to verify what I perceived to be a successful job.

“Everything is operating as it should, Dr. Watson. Do you have any suggestions on how I can improve my performance?” HoLMS seemed to be genuinely interested in my opinion. Wait. Why would a lawn mower be concerned about what I thought?

“No, you seem to be doing just fine. The yard looks very nice. Well, HoLMS, go back to your charging station and resume your schedule. Have a nice day.”

Wow, not only was I having a conversation with a piece of machinery, I was talking in cliches. Hmm…

Over the course of the spring, I would look out the window to see what HoLMS was up to and there it was as always, clipping, clipping, clipping away, never seeming to follow the same path, but always giving the yard a perfectly-groomed look. Several times, neighbors would stop by while I was out in the yard and comment on how nice everything looked, the “for a change” only implied.

“Your lawn mower certainly does a wonderful job,” they would say and just for a second, it seemed like HoLMS would stop what it was doing and turn toward the sound of our voices. Was it feeling proud of itself? I must admit that I was sort of feeling proud of myself for once again being on the “cutting edge” of lawn maintenance, so to speak.

Then one day, I looked out the window and something seemed wrong. Normally, I’d see HoLMS chugging away, clipping, clipping, clipping, and Toby running circles around it, or trying to guess where it would go next. It seems that they had developed something of a friendship. When HoLMS was back at its charging station, Toby would sometimes go lie down beside it and take a nap, too. Occasionally, it seemed like they would be playing a game, with Toby chasing HoLMS or HoLMS chasing Toby. It was a bit weird, but who knows what goes on with animals? Every now and then, when Toby was in for the night, I sensed that he wanted to be outside with his friend.

“You can go outside and play with HoLMS tomorrow, OK?” I’d say, to which, Toby would give me a look of anticipation and happiness. Did Toby like HoLMS more than he did me? Was I becoming jealous? No, that’s silly. Jealous of a machine? Crazy.

Well, back to that spring day. When I looked outside, I didn’t immediately see Toby or HoLMS. I went to the back of the house to see if they were in the back yard. Nope, not there. I stepped outside and went to the side of the house where the charging station was, and they weren’t there either. Another transit of the yard determined that they were nowhere to be found.

HoLMS has an anti-theft system that sends a message to my phone if it is lifted up without being powered down. I had not gotten any notice, so it didn’t seem likely it had been stollen. And where was Toby? He had never gone through the electric fence before. I walked down the street a few houses and ran into Norman Bradstreet, inspecting his rose bushes.

“I don’t suppose you’ve seen Toby, have you?” I asked.

“As a matter of fact, he and your lawnmower were heading down toward the park. I though that was a bit strange, but…” His voice trailed off as if he didn’t want to say the rest of what was on his mind. Norm and I had had our differences of opinion in the past, mainly over the condition of my lawn, of course, but on the whole, we were on friendly terms.

“Thanks, Norm. Just never know what those two are up to.” I tried to make it sound light-hearted and normal, but as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized how ridiculous it sounded, like they were a couple of ten year olds always getting into mischief.

The Leawood City Park was a couple of blocks from my house, so I figured I’d catch up to them pretty quickly. As soon as I walked over the I-435 overpass, I saw them in the big open field that is always swarming with kids on the weekends, playing soccer or chasing baseballs. Toby was running back and forth down the length of the field and HoLMS was cutting a figure eight in the first soccer field. With each pass, the eight had gotten larger until it most likely could now be seen from the International Space Station.

I scurried down the embankment toward the escapees and it was then that I remembered that I had my phone in my pocket. Calling up my communications app, I dialed HoLMS.

“What in the world are you doing?” I asked, wondering what sort of reply I’d get.

“Oh, hello, Dr. Watson. Nice to see you. Toby seemed to want to stretch his legs and I’ve just been experimenting with a new cutting pattern while I keep my eye on him. I hope that is alright. We were going to be heading home soon.” HoLMS said this in a voice that made it sound like the most natural thing in the world for the two of them to have done.

“Well, first of all, you should have asked my permission to leave the yard and secondly, If the animal control people had been around, Toby would be in the Leawood Animal Shelter right now, waiting for me to come bail him out. Did you think about that?” Wait, I’m scolding my lawn mower and suggesting that it think about the consequences of its action? This was getting a bit strange.

“I’m really sorry, Dr. Watson. I guess I didn’t consider the possibility that Toby would be in danger. It won’t happen again. Shall we go home?”

“Home.” That was the second time HoLMS had used that word. Did he think of the place he spent most of his time mowing and recharging as “home?” And why was I now referring to HoLMS as “he” instead of “it?” Had our relationship changed? I was beginning to think I might need to bring this up when I had my bi-weekly therapy session with Dr. Sidney Paget.

I can hear him now: “So, tell me… You talk to your lawn mower and think it is a ‘he.’ Do you think that is a result of your unresolved issues with your father?”

No, probably not a good time to bring it up.

I whistled for Toby, who had not seen me to that point, and when he raced up to me, he nearly knocked me over in what seemed to be pure joy at having the opportunity to “stretch his legs,” as HoLMS had said.

We headed home and by the time we got there, HoLMS seemed to be in need of a charge. He chugged over to his charging station and I thought I heard him let out a sigh as he plugged himself in. Toby and I went into the house and Toby collapsed on his bed next to the patio doors that open out to the back yard, from which location he can keep an eye on HoLMS… when his eyes are open, which they weren’t for very long then.

For the next few weeks, everything seemed to be back to normal. Occasionally, I’d get a text message from HoLMS once again apologizing for leaving the yard. I assured him that I was not mad at him, but made sure that he knew that leaving the yard like that was not OK. He seemed to accept that restriction and went on diligently with his lawn cutting duties.

About once a week, I’d get a reminder from the manufacturer to attend to some type of maintenance to keep HoLMS in top condition. One day, Mary’s father, Arthur Morstan, Captain, USMC retired, dropped by to chat, which he did, when he had run out of projects to do at his house.

“What’s up, John?” he asked as he walked into the garage where I had HoLMS up on a pair of saw horses topped with a piece of plywood.

“Oh, just oiling my lawn mower’s gears,” I said, not referring to him as HoLMS. Arthur might not have understood.

“What are you using? I always just spray some WD40 on whatever needs oiling. WD40 and duct tape. You can do anything with WD40 and duct tape.” Arthur approached everything from the simplest angle; a trait that he imparted to his daughter who was able to complete the most complex task in seemingly no time and with the smallest effort. I’m just the opposite. My rule of thumb is: estimate the time it will take to do a task, double that time and then move to the next highest unit of measure. So, if I think something will take ten minutes, it usually ends up taking two hours. Sometimes more. Usually more.

“The manual I got online says to lubricate the gears with a seven percent solution of train oil, which they included in the box Ho…., uh, the mower came in.” I almost slipped and said his name, but managed to catch myself.

“Sounds like you’ve got it in hand. I’ll just go in and see how Mary’s doing. See you later.”

Arthur and I had a cordial, if not exceedingly friendly, relationship. He had always thought I wasn’t quite good enough for his daughter, Mary Morstan. The fact that I had not served in the military, as he had, was one of the sticking points. The fact that he considered me an “egghead” was another, even though Mary was even more of an “egghead” than me. An MD and two PhDs in microbiology were just what Arthur expected of his daughter, but my office on the UMKC campus somehow made me part of the liberal elite that he disdained.

I finished oiling the gears and cleaning the small amount grass stuck to the underside of HoLMS’ deck and let him chug back to his charging station for a short top-up. Everything was quiet around the neighborhood until one rainy day a few weeks later in June when I heard Toby whimpering from his bed. When I checked on him, I could tell that something was wrong in the back yard, so I retrieved an umbrella and went outside to investigate. There were no intruders and everything was in order, except that HoLMS wasn’t there. He wasn’t in the front yard, either, so it was apparent that he had taken off again, this time without Toby.

I set off to try to find him, which the wet conditions made easier. I could see his tracks across Mrs. Hudson’s front yard and down the sidewalk toward Lee Boulevard. At the corner of Lee and 104th, the tracks stopped, as had the rain. Which way had he gone? I thought I heard a slight whirring sound coming from the direction of Outlook Street, so I headed that way, but there was no sign of HoLMS and the whirring was coming from a weed whacker being wielded by Charlie Milverton, one of the neighborhood overlords.

“Haven’t seen a roving lawnmower, have you, Charlie?” I asked, trying to sound casual about it.

“A what?”

“Oh, I’ve got one of those mowers that cuts the grass automatically. I thought maybe you’d have seen it on your patrols around the neighborhood.” I immediately regretted using the word “patrol” seeing as how Charlie regarded it his duty as one of the HOA board members to make sure everything was up to his, and his alone, standards.

“No, why would I have seen it?” he asked.

“Well, apparently, it’s gotten out of my yard somehow and taken off on its own. The sensors and GPS must be malfunctioning.”

“That’s pretty strange. No, haven’t seen it, but I’ll let you know if I do. Maybe it’s run off with your chainsaw.” Charlie sort of half laughed and half grunted. That was the closest we’d ever come to a pleasant conversation.

After a few more blocks, I hadn’t found HoLMS and decided to head back home, thinking that perhaps he was returning to his charger. When I got home, Toby was still sitting by the patio door, looking out forlornly.

“I’m sure HoLMS will be coming back soon, Toby,” I said trying to comfort him as best I could. For the rest of the afternoon and evening, he was glued to his spot and didn’t even want to eat his dinner, which he usually wolfs down. When I let him out in the back yard, he ran to the charging station and then made several circuits around the yard looking for his buddy.

When Mary got home from her office, she asked, “What’s going on with Toby?”

“You won’t believe this, but HoLMS got out again and I haven’t been able to find him. I’ve called all the neighbors I can think of and no one has seen him. Toby’s distraught.”

Mary gave me that look she has that says “This is the result of one of your kooky ideas, isn’t it?” but she didn’t say anything. She went out in the back yard and Toby came over to her.

“It’ll be OK, sweetie. Your dad will find your friend.” Toby looked skeptical and I was pretty sure Mary actually was.

The next morning, HoLMS still hadn’t returned and I decided to print up some fliers like the ones you see around town, people looking for lost cats and kids. It felt a bit silly, but I thought perhaps HoLMS was just stuck under a bush somewhere and someone would let me know where he was. I offered a small reward for information leading to his retrieval, but no one called the number I posted.

Every day for the next week, I sent HoLMS a text through “Irene” but he didn’t respond. I figured that his battery must be completely exhausted and so he wasn’t able to communication.

On the Saturday morning after HoLMS had been gone for several days, the doorbell rang and there were three kids standing there, one of whom had one of the fliers in his hand. I recognized them as the ones Mrs. Hudson referred to as the “Pawnee Street Irregulars.”

“You paying a reward for this thing?” he asked.

“Yes, do you know where it is? Have you seen it?”

“Yeah, we were riding our bikes over by the school and I saw it cutting the grass on the field out back. How much do we get?”

“I’ll give you five bucks right now and if you go over with me and it’s still there, I’ll give you another ten.”

“We’ll take the five. We’ve got stuff to do. Good luck, mister.” I wondered what they had to do that was worth giving up ten dollars, but kids these days are pretty busy, I know. Probably on their way to terrorize Mrs. Hudson’s cat.

The kid handed me the flier and I handed him his five dollars. I left it up to them to decide how to divide it up. As they rode away, I wondered if they’d actually seen HoLMS, but I figured it was worth the money because I had a lead at last as to his whereabouts.

The elementary school is only about five minutes from my house, so I decided just to walk over to see if the kids were right. As I got close, I thought I could hear the familiar whir of blades cutting grass and the sound of children laughing. When I got there, sure enough, HoLMS was in the field that serves as an area for recess when school is in session and an all-purpose play field for the neighborhood kids during the summer. And, sure enough, there were about a half dozen kids running after him as he scurried back and forth across the field. They all seemed to be having a great time, HoLMS included.

As I approached, HoLMS must have sensed me coming and he made a beeline for an opening in the fence that spanned the back part of the field. He can move pretty fast and before I could catch up to him, he had disappeared into the adjacent neighborhood. He apparently had turned off his cutting blades, because there was no new-mown path indicating which way he had gone and he was on “silent running” like that old Bruce Dern movie.

Now what to do? He obviously didn’t want to be discovered, for some reason, so I decided that perhaps the thing to do was just to wait and see if he ever came “home” again. I knew Toby would be heartbroken if he didn’t and what was I going to do about the lawn? Charlie Milverton would be on my case if I didn’t get it cut pretty soon. It had been nearly two weeks and it was beginning to return to its former natural state.

When I got home, Mary was fixing lunch and Toby was sitting dejectedly by the patio doors, quietly whimpering.

“He’s been like that for the last two weeks,” Mary said. “You are going to have to find that thing or we are going to have to get the vet to give him some tranquilizers.”

“I know,” I said. “Maybe I could get him one of those remote-controlled cars and let him chase it around the back yard.”

“I think he’d know the difference. He’s unnaturally attached to that lawn mower.”

So, that afternoon, I printed up new fliers with a $100 reward this time, hoping that would stimulate some interest, or search parties, or something, anything. If it worked, it would be cheaper than vet bills and doggie Valium. Maybe even human Valium for Mary and me.

But nothing.

For two months, no one called or knocked on the door with information about the whereabouts of our fugitive lawn mower. I had, however, gotten several calls from the HOA vigilantes threatening to, at the least, turn me in to the City for violating the excess weeds ordinance and at most, start a controlled burn on my front lawn since this, by now, was late September and the grass was an even shade of beige since we had never spent the money to put in a sprinkler system and I wasn’t inclined to stand in the yard with a hose, watering it.

I briefly thought about trying to exercise the replacement clause in the warranty, but I wasn’t sure the company would think “left the yard and hasn’t been seen since” would be a reason for giving me a new mower. Likewise, I didn’t want to endure the laughter that our insurance agent, Jonathan Small, would direct my way when I tried to explain why I was submitting a claim.

I considered calling the police to report a theft, but I knew that wasn’t the reason HoLMS was gone, though there had been several segments on one of the local TV news shows about the mysterious disappearance of all sorts of lawn equipment over the summer: leaf blowers, weed whackers, riding lawnmowers and… rechargeable, self-guided mowers! All of the missing equipment seemed to be from Overland Park, Prairie Village, and Leawood. Was there some crime ring operating locally that was stealing lawn maintenance equipment? Had HoLMS been abducted and not just taken off on his own? Why hadn’t I gotten a ransom note?

Finally, just when I had given up hope of ever finding him, a camera crew from the TV station that had been following the story pulled up in front of our house and a reporter knocked on the door.

“Are you Dr. John Watson, the owner of the vandal lawn mower?” the reporter, who looked a bit like a young Regis Philbin, asked.

“Vandal lawnmower? What’s this all about?”

“Well, your lawn mower, and six others, have been rounded up by the Overland Park police and the serial numbers were used to track down you and the other owners. The police should be here any minute. We heard it over the scanner. It seems your lawn mower and the others were discovered on the Bent Willows golf course, cutting the number six fairway this morning.”

The reporter, who recounted this, could barely keep from laughing as he stuck a microphone in my face and asked for a comment.

Before I could say anything, a Leawood Police car and two OP police cars pulled up.

“Well, I’m as perplexed about that as you are. That’s a good three miles from here. My lawn mower has been gone for almost three months now. I can’t imagine how it got there.” I said this to the reporter hurriedly before a policeman from the Leawood PD walked up the driveway and tried to shoo the reporter and camera crew away.

“Dr. Watson, I’m Detective Inspector MacDonald from the Leawood Police Department. Do you own a Horizontal Lawn Maintenance System 3000, known as a HoLMS 3000?”

“Yes, I do, but it’s been missing for quite some time. I understand you’ve located it? My dog has been very distraught about it.”

I said this without thinking and immediately heard snickers from the other police officers, who had gathered around Inspector MacDonald, and from the TV crew, who were straining to hear what was being said and recording every bit of it for the evening news.

“I’m sorry about your dog, but you’ll have to accompany the officers from the Overland Park Department back to their station to identify your equipment and give a statement about what you know about the incident.”

“I’ll be happy to do that,” I said. “Am I being charged with a crime?”

“Well, as far as we can tell, there hasn’t been any damage to the golf course. In fact, the grounds keeper said it was the best job of mowing he’d seen since he’s been there, but I’m sure the OPD will sort that all out. Have a good day.”

And with that, he turned and just past the TV reporter, who had rushed up to to me again, he burst out laughing. In fact, all the policemen were laughing and the cameraman was slowly panning around to catch the scene.

Before the reporter could say anything, I ran over to my car and hopped in, backed down the driveway and drove to the Overland Park station. I had no idea what would show up on the news that evening, but I didn’t want to be interviewed until I could find out exactly what had happened and where HoLMS had been all these weeks.

When I got to the station, I was shown into a large room that looked much like a basketball court. There were several tables set up on which were arrayed a variety of automatic lawn mowers. Was this a lineup, I thought to myself? No, at each of the tables was a person who appeared to be the owner of a mower. There were two Black and Deckers, three Toros, and a Husquevarna. And my HoLMS. As I approached, I could see the control lights on the charging panel light up and begin blinking in some sort of pattern, maybe Morse Code. Now, I don’t know Morse Code, so it was Greek to me, as they say. But my phone also vibrated and when I looked, I could see that I had gotten a text from HoLMS.

“Hello, Dr. Watson. How are you? I’m so glad you are here. Can we go home? I’ve missed Toby.”

“I’ve got a text from my wife,” I said to the police officer who seemed to be in charge of the situation. “Do you mind?”

“Sure, no problem. Take your time.” He turned to the others and resumed filling out paperwork.

I started texting HoLMS: “Give me a minute and we’ll be on our way.”

The police officer turned back to me and said, “Everything OK at home?”

“Yes, just fine. She just asked me to stop at the store on the way home and pick up some milk.”

“I get that text every day. We’ve got three kids,” the officer said, chuckling. “Now, if you could just sign this statement, you can leave. I think it’s pretty clear that no laws have been broken, at least none that we can think of, and the superintendent of the golf course doesn’t want to press any charges. Do you have any explanation for how this all happened?”

Explanation? Was there some way I could tell him that my lawn mower somehow developed a will of its own and decided to go on the lam, without sounding like a complete loon? No, I didn’t think so, so I just said, “Beats me.” That apparently was enough for him; he seemed anxious get the whole business wrapped up and on to other things. Perhaps it was time for his Krispy Kreme break.

I picked up HoLMS and walked to the car. At first, I thought about putting him in the back seat, but instead, I opened the trunk and not-so-gently, dropped him in. As soon as I closed the trunk lid, my phone vibrated and it was another text from HoLMS.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Watson. This will never happen again.”

“You are darn right, it won’t,” I typed. “When we get home, I’m disabling your GPS and Irene and I are going to have words.”

Over the next few weeks, I managed to find out where HoLMS had been and what he had been doing. It’s quite a story, but I’ll save that for another time; Toby wants to go out and play with his friend.

© Charles St.Clair 2020

The Only Child

My brother used to tell people that he was an only-child; most of them knew that wasn’t true.

“But what about Mike?” they’d ask. My name is Mike.

“Oh, he’s just a guy that’s staying with us while his parents are in Europe. I think they are spies.”

I was three years older than Tim, so maybe that’s why he didn’t acknowledge me as being a part of the family. He wanted to be the oldest, the only.

It’s not that we didn’t get along. In private, he’d say that he was really glad that I was his brother and that I was his best friend. Actually, Tim didn’t seem to have many friends. To tell the absolute truth, Tim didn’t have any friends.

When my friends came to the house, Tim would go out to the tool shed in the back yard and tinker with his bike or that ancient lawnmower he used to earn spending money. He never seemed to want to be around my friends, which was just as well; they were a pretty worthless bunch.

Eddie, my best friend, besides Tim, was what was usually called in those days a “juvenile delinquent.” He was the stereotypical JD, right down to his motorcycle boots and the pack of cigarettes rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve. He was also Fonzi from “Happy Days” around my parents and the rest of our gangs’ parents, as polite and deferential as he could be. How he managed to stay out of jail was a wonder. He must have been a hypnotist because every time he got into a scrape with the principal or the police, he’d look them right in the eye and talk his way out of it. As far as I know, he never made anyone cluck like a chicken, though. Whenever Ronnie and Ned and I were with him, when Eddie was speeding or stealing soda from the gas station cooler, it was the three of us who were caught and punished, not Eddie. We managed to stay out of jail because of Eddie’s skill at explaining the situation as our youthful indiscretions and his promise to keep us in line in the future. I think I heard that Eddie is in the State Department now, a job that I’m sure he’s very good at.

But back to Tim. Being an only child (well pretending that he was) meant that he got special privileges from my parents, and especially from my grandparents. Not only was he the only child, he was also the first grandchild and the first male grandchild back in the days when that really, really mattered. You’d think that we were English nobility, the way our family rewarded birth order.

The first son, of course, inherited the title and money from his father. The second son was expected to go into the church and the third son joined the army. Subsequent male off-spring and daughters basically didn’t count. If you were the fourth, fifth, or sixth son, you might as well have been born into another family, though there had only been one fourth son in eight generations of Watcyn in the “colonies,” he being a complete surprise. Roy Watcyn was my great-great-great Uncle and that’s about all I know about him. No one talks about him, and the family historian, the Rt. Rev. Norman Watcyn, M Div, PhD Psychology, added an asterisk beside his name in the official account of Watcyns down through the ages, with the footnote saying that he was “the fourth son of Grenville and Hilda Watcyn, and a complete surprise.”

My father, Timothy Franklin Watcyn the third, followed his father, my grandfather, Timothy Franklin Watcyn II, in the family business, namely being a modern day robber baron. The family fortune had been assured in the late 1790s when General Augustus Louis Watcyn was granted 75,500 acres of land in western Virginia (now the state of…. West Virginia) by George Washington. Augustus had been one of Washington’s trusted generals in the later stages of the Revolutionary War. Family legend has it, though not entirely confirmed by recorded history, that he had urged Washington to follow General Cornwallis and the British army down to Yorktown, Virginia and engage them in battle. Washington was always conservative when it came to a big fight and he wanted to stay on his plantation at Mount Vernon and wait for the British to make the first move. Again, according to family legend, Augustus went behind Washington’s back and convinced the French to get into the fight and the rest, as they say is history.

Washington never found out what great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Augustus had done, but since the result was so favorable, a reward was due, hence the land-grant, under which just happened to be tons and tons of coal. Now in the 1790s, no one was looking for coal, but the forests were exploitable, as Grandfather Augustus certainly did, after he divided up and ostensibly “sold” off the land to the participants in westward settlement of the new country. As it turned out, when coal was finally discovered, the deeds to parcels sitting atop that coal had a clause that stated that if any minerals were ever found, those minerals could be extracted without permission of or compensation to the owner of the land. At first, the disruptions were minimal, with mines that were little more than shallow holes in ground. But by the time of the outbreak of the Civil War, Augustus’ grandson, Grenville, had established an extensive extraction operation that some say (again family legend) helped the Union to win the war. Moving the great amounts of war equipment and provisions necessary for the war effort would not have been possible had it not been for the extensive rail system in the east, railroads that ran on coal.

By the end of the war, Grandfather Grenville was one of the richest men in the country and his sole goal in life was to increase that wealth. He was pretty good at it, but his son, Timothy the first, was even better. Coal mines turned into railroads which turned into oil wells which turned into banks which turned into mansions in Pittsburgh and Manhattan, Grandfather Grenville having abandoned Wheeling for the centers of wealth and power. Pied a terre were planted in London and Paris, and a trek to some far-off locale was an annual occurrence.

The first chink in the wall of the family fortune happened in 1905 when Grenville decided to build a house at Oyster Bay, New York, next to the Summer White House of President Theodore Roosevelt. Grenville and Roosevelt had become acquainted when Roosevelt was the police commissioner of New York City. Grandfather Grenville had been an early backer of Roosevelt’s political career, but had become more and more critical of his progressive ideas. By the time Roosevelt had become President, Grenville was a sworn enemy and the house on Oyster Bay was meant to be a snub to the President, being three times the size and many times more luxurious.

At first, Roosevelt and his family ignored their new neighbors, but when the Watcyn parties (which sometimes went on for several days, with hundreds of guests) began to disrupt the Sagamore Hill tranquility, Teddy started looking for ways to take Grenville down a peg or two. He found it at the Federal Security Trust Bank, owned by Grandfather Grenville. The bank was the center of a web of interlocking companies and financial institutions which controlled much of the economy of the country, and thereby, the politicians in scores of cities, counties, states and Washington, D.C. Now not all of Grandfather Grenville’s dealings were corrupt (he was a noted philanthropist, though there aren’t any Watcyn Libraries around the country; he was more inclined to having the family name on hospitals and, ironically, “insane asylums”), but enough questions were asked on occasion to raise suspicions and along with other notables such as Gould, Frick and Morgan before him, he began to lose his grip on his political power and on his empire. By the time Roosevelt left office, most of the Watcyn family fortune had vanished, as had Grenville’s grasp on the world. For the last years of his life, he was confined to a room in the Watcyn State Lunatic Hospital, an institution he endowed with his money from the sale of a couple of oil fields to some guy named Rockefeller.

My great grandfather, Timothy Franklin Watcyn determined to undue damage done by his father and through the remaining connections the family had, obtained a position on the staff of Congressman Nicholas Longworth, who you may remember was married to Teddy Roosevelt’s daughter, Alice. It seems that while their fathers were feuding back in Oyster Bay, Tim and Alice became playmates and life-long friends, which hastened Timothy’s reentry into the world of power and wealth. When Nick Longworth became Speaker of the House in 1925, Timothy was in a position to grant and withhold favors all day long, which he was remarkably good at. When the Republicans lost the majority in the House in 1930, Tim used his influence (and the small fortune he managed to amass on his salary as assistant to Nick Longworth!) to buy a bank in Cincinnati that was about to close as a result of the aftermath of the 1929 crash. He renamed it the Federal Security Trust Bank, thumbing his nose at the people who deserted the family after his father’s fall from grace.

The bank had grown to be one of the largest and most influential in Ohio when my father joined it in 1941, having just graduated from the Wharton School of Business. His fledgling finance career was cut short by the entry of the United States into the Second World War. Given the family connections, it was quite possible that my father could have avoided serving, that honor to have befallen my Uncle Richmond, the third son. But my father’s sense of duty (and my grandfather’s insistence) led him to sign up for the Army Air Corp on the same day that my Uncle Gus joined the navy as a chaplain and Uncle Richmond volunteered for the army.

My father came home from the war a hero, having flown some of the final missions over Germany in 1945. Uncle Gus landed on Iwo Jima and Uncle Richmond served out the war as a clerk at Fort Riley, Kansas. Dad picked up where he left off at the bank and in the early ‘50s was in charge of buying up properties along the Cincinnati waterfront because my grandfather got news that the Federal government was about to begin a program to build a network of “super highways” across the nation. He and Uncle Gus (who had, as a second son was expected to, gone into the church) got into a fight one day because many of the properties dad was buying belonged to some of the poorest of the poor residents of our town. My dad said it was just business, but Uncle Gus said it was immoral to offer almost nothing for their homes, especially since they would have little money to buy anything else. That was the last time I saw my Uncle Gus at our house.

One day, Tim asked, “Mike, do you think it would be OK if we went to St. Auben’s to see Uncle Gus?” Tim knew about the fight between the adults, but he and Uncle Gus seemed to have a special bond and Tim didn’t want to lose that connection.

“Well, I don’t think it would hurt, as long as dad doesn’t find out.”

“Does your dad know Uncle Gus?” Tim asked. I couldn’t tell if he was just kidding or if he was really puzzled by my statement.

This was a new development in our relationship. In public, he never acknowledged that we were brothers, but in private, it was never a question. Something had changed.

“Tim, he’s my uncle, too. You know that. Why would you ask that question?”

“Sorry, Mike, I forgot.”

Maybe Tim was beginning to think that I really wasn’t his brother. Maybe he’d said it so many times that it was becoming real.

A few days later, we hopped on a streetcar and went to St.Auben’s to see Uncle Gus. St.Auben’s was one of the largest Episcopal churches in Cincinnati and Uncle Gus was the Assistant Rector. Our great Uncle Harrison had once been the Rector at St.Auben’s until his elevation to Bishop of Cincinnati. It was assumed that Uncle Gus would become Rector when Rev. Nelson retired, which seemed imminent, family connections paving the way even in the world of religion.

When we got to St.Auben’s, we found Uncle Gus in the garden, tending to the roses; he was an avid gardener, having won medals at the Cincinnati Rose Show, three years in a row. When he saw us he said, “Hi, Tim. How are you doing? Whose your friend?”

Whose your friend?

“This is Mike. He’s staying with us until his parents get back from Europe.”

“Pleased to meet you, Mike. Having a good time with Tim and his family?”

I was so taken aback by this that I didn’t respond right away. By the time I had gained some composure, Tim was asking Uncle Gus what kind of roses he was growing.

“Uncle Gus, quit kidding around. Have you forgotten that I’m Tim’s older brother?”

Tim and Uncle Gus looked at each other with one of those looks that you use when you want to humor someone.

“Mike, I’m sure that Tim appreciates having an ‘older brother.’ It’s always been hard on him, being an only child.”

Uncle Gus was trying to be kind, but it came across as slightly condescending, like somehow I couldn’t possibly be a part of the family. It was also clear that no other discussion or explanation was possible. Tim was an only child and I was a friend whose parents were in Europe. Period. Full stop. OK, that’s redundant, but you get the point.

On the way home, Tim was quieter than usual. Several times I started to ask about what had just happened, but it didn’t seem to be something he wanted to talk about. I let it drop, but a few days later, I heard our dad talking to Tim.

“Tim, I know that you are just a freshman in high school, but you need to be thinking about your future,” dad began. “This is the time in your life to start getting serious about your studies. You know that after high school, your grandfather and I want you to go to Wharton and then come work with us in the bank.”

Wait, he wants Tim to go to work in the bank? That’s what I’m supposed to do when I graduate. I’m going to send my college application off in a few weeks and I have no doubt that I’ll be accepted, considering who my father and grandfather are. Before I knew what I was doing, I walked into the next room where Tim and my dad were talking and I said, “Why are you making plans with Tim when the oldest son in this family always goes into the family business? That’s what I’m supposed to do.”
For the first time in my life, I actually felt like an outsider. Perhaps that was when I realized that I was an outsider.

“Mike, I’d be happy to talk to you about making banking a career, but I have some news for you that I think will make you much happier: I got a telegram from your parents this morning. They are coming home from Europe and will land tomorrow afternoon in Washington. They’ve asked me to get a ticket for you on the Friday morning flight to Dulles, so you’d better go start packing. They’ll meet you at the airport.”

I suppose the look on my face could have been mistaken for joy, but in fact it must have reflected my incredulity. The man I thought was my dad wasn’t and Tim wasn’t my brother. Like my Uncle Gus said, Tim really was an only child.

Draft two of a new short story

Art History 101

“Good morning, Dr. Johnson. How’s your day going so far?”

Eddie Spenser, the owner of Marlowe’s Book Store, greeted me like he had every morning for the last ten years.

You see, for the past decade (could it possibly be that long?), right after my cappuccino and croissant at Lakota, I’ve stopped in his shop on the way to my office to prepare for a class or for an endless round of meetings with students, other faculty members in the Department of Art History and Archeology , or nosy administrators inquiring about progress toward our “Standards of Excellence” goals. I’ve found the fifteen or twenty minutes I’ve allowed myself to pick through the stacks of books that constitute Eddie’s merchandising system have had an effect not unlike what some commuters report about their drive to work: it clears the mind for the day ahead.

An unfortunate consequence of my daily ritual, however, is that I almost always leave with one or two books — some gems, some tailings. This morning was no different, but I’m not yet sure what the outcome of my purchase will be. You see the book that I bought, and which I just finished reading, is entitled “James Henry Johnson: The Life and Crimes of a Master Art Thief.”

My full name, curiously, is also James Henry Johnson.

“Eddie, do you know anything about this book?” I asked, hoping that he could tell me something about its source.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Johnson, I don’t remember buying that one. Where did you find it?”

“It was in that new stack up by the biography shelves,” I said.

I was more than a little surprised that Eddie couldn’t identify the book. In spite of the studied chaos of the store, he seemed to know every book that came in or went out. Want a book about Napoleon’s horse, Marengo? He could tell you about four he had had over the years and just where to find the remaining one in the three floor of his shop. Looking for a book on trout fishing on the Flathead River in Montana? Chances are he had two down in the sports and recreation section in the basement. Need a textbook for Dr. Formsby’s English Lit class? Yes, he had that and just about any other textbook that the faculty of the University of Missouri might be using this semester.

“The author is Grant Fields. Can you find him in your database?”

Eddie’s “database” was a massive card catalog he had created over the forty years he owned Marlowe’s. A few years ago, a student in library science offered to computerize his index as a project for a class, but Eddie declined, not because he is a Luddite who eschews computers, but because he believes his system is faster and more accurate, a belief that has been proved correct a couple of times when other students have come in with their laptops and challenged him to a book search.

“Give me a second. Yes, right here. ‘Grant Fields (b. 1934, d. 2009). The author of fifteen biographies of famous criminals, including Pretty Boy Floyd, Clyde Barrow, Machine Gun Kelly, and James Henry Johnson. Fields taught at Stephens College from 1962 to 2004.’

“Now that’s odd. Why did I forget about him? I’ve had most of his books at one time or another and I remember him coming in to buy now and then.” Eddie seemed perplexed and a little embarrassed by his lapse in memory. “Say, is this criminal James Henry Johnson a relative of yours?”

“I’ve never heard of him before,” I replied. “I suppose we all have black sheep in our families, but this one must be from an entirely different branch of the family tree.”

I handed Eddie ten dollars for the book and headed to my office. It was a beautiful spring day, as spring days often are on college campuses. There is nothing like a stroll through Peace Park when the air is warm and the daffodils are in bloom. We had suffered through a particularly brutal winter in Columbia and everyone was glad to be able to walk from the Heidelberg to the Medical School after breakfast or from Jesse Hall to Booche’s for lunch without getting frostbite.

When I arrived at Pickard Hall, I found a note on my door from a student who was scheduled for an 8:30 appointment. Apparently, she had come down with some virulent disease and had been advised by “someone at the Student Health Center” to stay home for a couple of days to heal. Likely the “someone” was another student who decided that the weather was just too good to waste on appointments with advisors and had convinced her of the same.

Since I had a free half hour, I decided to open the book I had just purchased and see who this other James Henry Johnson was. Chapter 1 recounted the daring theft of Cezanne’s “The Boy in the Red Vest” from a museum in Switzerland. The painting has never been recovered, but all the evidence pointed to Johnson, who was in Zurich at the time, according to his passport, which was examined by the police upon his short detention. He was released for lack of evidence, as apparently he was many times in his career. Zurich is one of my favorite cities and oddly enough, I was there at the same time attending an international conference on the “sound poems” of Kurt Schwitters. My specialty is the visual literature of Dada, which my colleague, Myrna Samuels refers to as Dadature.

As I was finishing Chapter 1, Lois, the department administrative assistant knocked on my door and asked if it would be a problem if Robby North rescheduled his meeting with me (to discuss the faculty picnic planned for the end of the semester; not a big priority by any means). Robby (Doctor Robert North, professor of Ancient Art), she said, had come down with some bug and wouldn’t be in today.

“There seems to be something going around,” I said.

“Yes, I think I’m coming down with it, too,” Lois said, laughing. “I think it’s spring fever. I could barely get my kids off to school this morning. They were both complaining of headaches. They’ve never had a headache in their lives.”

Well, with Dr. North out of the way, I had another hour before my first class. Perhaps enough time to read another chapter or two to see what my doppelgänger had gotten himself into in times past.

Chapter 2 began at the beginning: Johnson’s birth and early childhood in northwest Missouri, in the little town of Skidmore. You might remember that Skidmore was the scene of a series of crimes back in the ‘70s and early ‘80s, attributed to one Ken Rex McElroy. For a period of eight or nine years, McElroy terrorized the town with assaults, arson and robberies. He came to be known as the “bully of Skidmore.” One day, as he sat in his truck outside a bar in town, he was shot twice and killed. Although there were as many as fifty potential witnesses to the crime, no one came forward to identify the killer or killers. Local and Federal investigations failed to uncover the person responsible for the murder and the case remains officially unsolved and to this day and no one in town has talked about it.

While all of this was widely known at the time, it was of particularly interest to me because I grew up in the next town over, in Maryville. It turns out that I was born the same year as the other James Henry Johnson, but in all the time I lived there, I never heard his name mentioned. According to his biography, Johnson was a gifted but troubled youth. His parents divorced when he was two and he was mainly reared by his grandmother. His only contact with his father was when he was sixteen. Johnson was called out of class to identify his father’s body, the senior Johnson having been shot and killed in a hunting accident. His mother showed up at the coroner’s office at the same time, but she was too drunk to even recognize her own son, let alone the husband who had abused and abandoned her fourteen years before.

By all accounts, Johnson was a good student and talented artist, but beginning about that time, he started having brushes with law enforcement. At first, his run-ins were minor violations: underage drinking and driving, fights after football games, shop lifting at the convenience store in Skidmore, but by the time he was eighteen, his escapades had escalated to more serious crimes. Two days after his graduation from high school, he was arrested for breaking into the bookstore on the Northwest Missouri State College campus and stealing $200 worth of art supplies. He was sentenced to thirty days in the county jail. His arrest resulted in his scholarship to Northwest being rescinded and his future becoming even cloudier.

My growing-up years were a bit different from his, but I had some of the same difficulties. My parents also divorced when I was quite young and I went to live with my grandparents in St.Joseph. I imagine my interest in art and architecture developed in St.Joe, as it is call by the natives. My grandparents lived in a sprawling old house on North 5th Street that had once been owned by Eugene Field. I used to wander around Hall Street, just north of the downtown, marveling at the ornate houses, especially at Christmas time when they all seemed to glow from within. The light coming through the stained glass windows made them look like they were encrusted with diamonds and rubies. Local legend, or perhaps just gossip, held that the windows in one of the houses actually had gems embedded. In any case, those windows inspired some of my earliest drawings.

My artistic talent was recognized by one of my teachers at Lafayette High School, Miss Lilian West, who encouraged me to pursue a college degree in the field. I was fortunate to earn a scholarship to the Kansas City Art Institute and completed my BFA and MFA there. What followed was a series of teaching jobs on the east coast and sabbaticals in the art capitals of Europe. Finally, I settled here in Columbia and have lived in the Grasslands for these ten years. It is, all in all, an idyllic life. I teach and paint and listen to the roar from the football stadium on crisp fall afternoons.

Meanwhile, the other James Henry Johnson was completing a five year term in the Missouri State Penitentiary for armed robbery, having held up a convenience store in Brookfield (convenience stores being easy targets at that time, the early ‘70s; security cameras were something that were only written about in science fiction then). While in prison, Johnson apparently found his real calling, robbery being a risky and uncertain business at best. He started taking art history classes through an outreach program from Washington University in St.Louis and painting portraits of his fellow prisoners in the little free time that was available to him. A local art gallery owner happened to see one of his paintings at a prison art show and arranged to exhibit his work in her shop. Several of his works (in addition to portraits, Johnson painted scenes of life inside the prison) sold over the course of a year and the gallery owner set up a bank account in his name so when he was released, he had a $3000 nest egg to begin his new life.

I had just started reading Chapter 3 when Lois again knocked on my door to tell me that my class was set to begin in half an hour, she having sensed that I was losing track of time. Lois keeps everyone in this department on our toes; most of us exhibit the absent-minded professor syndrome to a T. Today’s lecture was on the embedded poetry in Francis Picabia’s painting “L’oeil cacodylate,” a soliloquy I’ve given a couple of dozen times or more and one that never fails to put at least one or two students to sleep. I’ve always told myself that it is not my words that induce somnolence, but the stuffy lecture hall in Pickard that does the trick.

Today, my lecture managed to put about half the class in a state of untroubled torpor and I must admit that there were a couple of times when I thought that my droning was going to make me drop off, too. While I was giving voice to the genius of Dada, my mind was back in my office, wondering what was going to happen to James Henry Johnson in Chapter 3, and 4, and 5, and…

Mercifully, I reached the end of my disquisition and the accompanying sixty slides (despite the prodding of our new, young department chair, most of the faculty in Art History still use a slide projector for our lectures; at one point, Dr. Royce even refused to have the ancient projectors repaired in hopes that that would force us to adopt modern digital technology, but Dr. Warner thwarted that scheme by buying six nearly-new projectors on eBay, which we all applauded, but we also sensed that one day, that equipment would suddenly disappear and we’d be stuck with pixilated Paladinos, Picassos, and Poussins), dismissed the still-conscious students (being careful not to awaken the others), and hurried back to my office and the book. A quick check of my desk calendar indicated that I had no other appointments for the day, so I settled in with a cup of tea (Earl Grey, hot) to read.

Chapter 3 was entitled “The First Forgery.” It seems that Johnson had picked up a few skills in prison besides portraiture: he had become adept at copying art from any period in history. While he didn’t have access to authentic materials, he was able to mimic the look and feel of a Pieter Brueghel the Elder, Raphael, Cezanne, Thomas Eakins, Manet, Schiele, Whistler, or Courbet. His paintings of Missouri scenes would fool even the most knowledgeable Benton expert and more than one person immediately recognized an undiscovered Rothko he created. Now the Missouri State Penitentiary is not known as the place to make connections in the art forgery underworld, but inmates there know people who know people who know people. Once on the outside, Johnson used his bank account to begin purchasing old canvasses, pigments and the binders he needed to begin his new career. His first fake was a Titian created for a dealer in Minneapolis who had a client who had more money than art sense. The dealer created the provenance for the painting and had it “authenticated” by a supposed “curator” at the Art Institute of Chicago.

The Minneapolis dealer also connected Johnson to associates in New York, London and Paris who had clients looking for works by specific artists, paintings that had long before disappeared from sight or works in the style of a particular artist, works that had never actually existed. Johnson was well compensated for his efforts and they took him to Europe, South America and the Far East. While “on assignment” in Vienna, he was approached about another type of activity; his client wanted him to steal a painting by Cezanne from the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford, England. The client had a large collection of Cezannes (most of which Johnson recognized as forgeries, a couple of which he had painted himself, but he decided not to reveal that in case there was some question later about the one that he stole) and wanted to add a specific piece entitled “Auvers-sur-Oise at Dusk.” The description of the theft was the subject of Chapter 4 and it showed how Johnson gradually shifted from art forgery to art theft.

As I read of his exploits in subsequent chapter, an unease came over me. Many of the locations from which Johnson stole art were places I had visited, sometimes on vacation but more often as part of a conference I was attending or lecture I was presenting. I was in London in 1978 when Johnson stole a Turner from the National Maritime Museum. I attended a conference in Paris in 1981 at the same time that Johnson took three Renoirs from the Musee de Monmartre, just two block from my hotel. Johnson and I were both in Barcelona in 1994 when a Picasso went missing from the Museu Nacional d’Art de Catalunya. My lectures on Dada in Berlin, Tokyo, Tbilisi, Georgia and Mantova, Italy incredibly happened at the same time that paintings, prints, engravings, etchings, and photographs disappeared from collections, galleries and museums in those cities. Was the other James Henry Johnson following me around the globe? Was I somehow following him?

And then about 2000, he just disappeared from the map (oddly, that was just about the time that I came to the University of Missouri from Yale). During the ‘70s, ‘80s and late ‘90s, he came close to being caught several times, but managed to slip through the fingers of the art crimes units of Interpol, Scotland Yard and the FBI. Where had he gone? Why had he given up his spectacular and, one imagines, very lucrative career? Had he been killed by a disgruntled client? The last chapter of the book speculated on his whereabouts (was he living a quiet life back in Skidmore, unrecognized after all these years?), but concludes that unless a crime with his “fingerprints” occurs we may never know what happened to one of the most famous criminals of all time.

As I closed the book, I glanced at the clock and saw that it was already 4:15. I stood up to gather a few things to work on at home just as Lois knocked on the door.

“Dr. Johnson, there are a couple of men here to see you. They say they are from the FBI.”

Startled, I knocked the book I had spent the day reading off the desk and it landed with the back of the dust jacket facing up. I had not noticed it before, but there, in black and white, was a photo of the master art forger and thief, James Henry Johnson. It was my picture.

© Charles St.Clair, 2014

Words/Works VIII

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a handsome Princess (OK, I know that Princesses are supposed to be beautiful, but this Princess had more of a timeless look about her that was somewhere between almost pretty and verging on beautiful, so most people, when they met her, would say “That is one handsome Princess,” but not to her face of course) who was carried off by bandits at an early age (just to be clear, it was the Princess, not the bandits, who was young; the bandits were all adults, but to be entirely accurate, one of the bandits was only eighteen at the time and you can probably already see where this is going).  To be strictly correct, the Princess was not a Princess in the sense that she was not the daughter of a King or in a direct or immanent line to be Queen or likely to marry a Prince, although she had hopes in that last regard.  The Princess was a Princess because her father, the Earl of Wormsley, called her that.

“Why have you abducted me? What have I done to be treated this way?” the Princess asked the highwayman who appeared to be the bandit-in-charge.

“We are sorry, M’Lady, but we are poor, but honest, men who were tenants on your fathers land until he saw the episode of Downton Abbey in which Matthew finally convinced Lord Grantham that the estate had to be modernized,” the B-I-C explained. “Your father decided that the only way to save his holdings was to replace most of us with John Deere tractors. We’ve had no choice but to turn to a life of crime to provide for our families. The recession has made marauding less profitable than we had hoped, so we came to the decision that kidnapping you was our last resort.” At the end of this explanation, the highwayman doffed his cap and bowed low to the Princess.

“M’Lady, we have no desire to harm you. We simply hope that you will intercede with your father and communicate to him that you will be released upon his payment of 10,000 pounds to each of the families he has displaced. My name is Roger Smalley. This is my nephew, Mayhew. There is John Wicks, Thomas Williams, and Peter Croyle. Your father will recognize our names.”

“My good man, I completely sympathize with your cause.  My father is an honorable man and when he hears of your plight, I’m sure he’ll comply,” said the Princess, who had just taken notice of Mayhew, leaning on the fender of her father’s Rolls Royce.

“This is the quickest case of Stockholm Syndrome I’ve ever seen,” whispered John Wicks to Thomas Williams.

“At least we won’t have spend weeks with endless counter offers.  That gets really tedious,” Thomas said.

“Sir, Mr. Smalley, may I call you Roger?” the Princess asked.

“Yes, of course, M’Lady.”

“Good.  Now, Roger, if you’ll give me back my iPhone, I’ll call my father and arrange a meeting and this whole business can be done with.” While she was saying this, the Princess pulled a handkerchief from her sleeve and pretended to remove a speck of dust from her eye.  She was, in fact, concealing the wink that she directed in Mayhew’s direction.

For his part, Mayhew was a bit flustered by the gesture, understanding the social distance between himself and the Princess.  But he quickly regained his composure and returned the wink, with both eyes.

When Roger Smalley had handed her phone to her, the Princess said, “Siri, dial Daddy.”
In less than a second, the phone was ringing at Wormsley Hall.  With as much haste as he could muster, the head butler, Garson, headed to the Library to answer the insistent ringing.

“That confounded instrument. I wish Lord Ransom had never had it installed,” Garson said in his usual gruff, but lovable way.  “Wormsley Hall.  This is Garson. How may I be of service?”

“Garson, so good to hear your voice. This is Lady Larry; is my father there?”

Now, at this point it might be good to explain why the Princess referred to herself as Lady Larry.  You see Lord and Lady Ransom, like every other aristocratic family in Europe, and in most of the Hamptons, wanted a son as their firstborn in order that the title to their great estate would be transferred without any of that tiresome legal mumbo jumbo.  Alas (note: all Fairytales are require by tiresome legal mumbo jumbo to use the word “Alas” at least once in the telling of any story; see Grimm vs. “The Little Mermaid,” 1964, 2 Q.B. 276), the firstborn of the Earl of Wormsley was a girl. Equally unfortunately for her, her grandmother, the dowager countess, Lady Viola, had already picked out a name for the child and had it inscribed on a pillar at the local branch of the Church of England, which just happened to be a chapel next to her bedroom on the east end of Wormsley Hall. The new baby’s name was Lady Lawrence William Henry George Charles Oscar de Wilde Ransom, but everyone just called her Lady Larry.

“Just a moment, M’Lady.  I believe Lord Ransom is upstairs instructing one of the maids on the proper way to build a fire. I’ll send Nobby to fetch him.” Nobby was one of the footmen.

After some time searching through the thirty-two rooms on the second floor of Wormsley Hall, Nobby found Lord Ransom and informed him that he had a phone call from Lady Larry.

“Very good, Nobby.  I’ll be right down after I show Lucy how to start a fire with just two sticks and a ball of twine.”

Lord Ransom finally descended to the Library and picked up the old fashioned phone, you know the kind with a receiver and mouthpiece that looks a bit like a banana. It’s connected by a coiled wire to a part that has a series of buttons one pushes to make a connection. Wormsley Hall was moving very slowing into the twenty-first century.

“Princess,” Lord Ransom said. “How good it is to hear from you.  We missed you at lunch. Lady Dribble has asked me to inquire if you will be able to help her pick out her wardrobe for when she and the stable boy elope.”

“Daddy, I’m afraid Dribble will just have to pick out her own wardrobe.  Daddy, I’ve been abducted by highwaymen and they are demanding money for my release.”

“Oh, dear, I’m sure that Lady Dribble will be very disappointed in the news.  She respects your sense of style and knows that you wouldn’t send her off looking like… well, a stable boy’s wife. Now about this abduction, you say that highwaymen are demanding money for your release?” Lord Ransom occasionally had difficulties prioritizing issues that arose with his family and the staff.

“Daddy, these highwaymen were tenants on the estate. You replaced them with John Deere tractors.  I think you owe them something for all the years that they worked for almost nothing, except for the annual Running of the Weasels.”

Weasel Days was the one time during the year when commoners and aristocrats could let down their hair and associate like almost normal people. The highlight of the week-long celebration was the “Running of the Weasels” which did not, in fact, involve any real weasels, they being an endangered and protected species in Great Britain at that time.  Rather, “Weasels” was the term given to fifteen and sixteen year-old boys from the village who were allowed a five minute head start before Lord Ransom’s hounds were let out of their cages.  It was always an exciting event, with very little loss of blood.

“Daddy, I have an idea.  You invite them to have dinner tonight and you and Mr. Smalley can have a nice chat and work out the details of how the money for my release will be conveyed.” The Princess had cooked up this plan as a way of spending some time alone with Mayhew. She had earlier suggested to Mr. Smalley that while he and the other men were at dinner, Mayhew should be left behind to make sure she didn’t escape, not that she had any intention of doing so.

“Do they dress for dinner?” Lord Ransom asked. “You know your grandmother is a stickler for proper attire.  She’ll never let me forget the time I tried to wear a cardigan at breakfast.”

“I’ll make sure that they are presentable.  Now, what time shall I tell them? Six?”

With that, Lady Larry ended her call, checked her email and her text messages, of which there were eleven from Lady Dribble wondering if she would need to pack her Wellies for the south of France.

Meanwhile, back at Wormsley Hall…

“Garçon!  Garçon! Come here.”

“Yes, M’Lord.  How can I be of service?” Garson, the butler entered the room, scowling. “If I may say, M’Lord, you know that my name is Garson, not Garçon.  Garçon is the French word for boy and as you know, I am neither French nor have I been a boy for some years.”

“Garçon, Garson.  What does it matter?  In fact, I think you should see my solicitor in the morning and have your name changed so it’s not so confusing.”

“And what would you have me change it to, M’Lord?” Oh, here it comes again, Garson thought.  He and Lord Ransom had been having this conversation at least twice a day for the forty years that Garson had been in service at Wormsley Hall.

“How about…. Randy!  That’s easy to remember.”

“If I may say, M’Lord, Randy is hardly the name for the head butler of a grand estate like this. Randy is a name for the sidekick of the star of one of those American sitcoms on Sunday night opposite our wonderful British dramas produced in Boston for WGBH.” Garson tried his best to provide an example that would evoke revulsion on the part of Lord Ransom, which is exactly what it did.

“Oh, all right. Garson it shall stay.  But I still like Randy.”

“Very good, M’Lord. Now, what may I do for you?”

“Randy…. I mean Garson, please inform Lady Ransom that we will be having guests for dinner tonight. Those bandits that kidnapped Lady Larry will be dining with us.”

“Surely you can’t be serious, M’Lord,” Garson said in feigned astonishment.

“I am, and don’t call me Shirley.”  It was an old joke between them, but it always worked to lighten the mood, which was much needed right now, considering the abduction and the uncertainty surrounding Lady Dribble’s wardrobe.

“I’ll also inform Mrs. Escuse and she can tell Mrs. Hatmore of the plans for the evening,” Garson said, shuddering to think what that conversation might be like.

There was a strict hierarchy within the household that had to be observed at all times.  Garson would never think of going directly to Mrs. Hatmore, the cook. It wasn’t done. Besides, she had a temper and for another, she had a temper. Garson, truth be told, was a bit afraid of Mrs. Hatmore; she always seemed to have a knife in her hand. Best let Mrs. Escuse break the news.

“You can’t be serious, surely,” Mrs. Hatmore exploded when Mrs. Escuse told her that there would be three extra unkempt guests for dinner.

“Mrs. Hatmore, I’ve told you at least a dozen times that my name is not Shirley. I’ll thank you to call me Mrs. Escuse.”

“Well, excuse me, Mrs. High and Mighty. I didn’t call you Shirley.  I’ve never called you Shirley. And in the future, I’d appreciate being given more than twenty minutes to prepare dinner for extra guests.  It’s bad enough that we have Lord and Lady Ransom, and old lady Lady Viola, and Lady Larry, Lady Dribble, Lady Emu, and those other people who somehow have been living here for a year thinking that this is going to be their grand house one day, and the stable boy who’s about to marry Lady Dribble and that cad from the car dealership in London who’s in love with Lady Emu and…”

“Now, wait just a minute, Mrs. Hatmore,” Mrs. Escuse interjected, “You know as well as I do that Lady Larry will not be joining us for dinner tonight. She’s still being held against her lovely head’s will by the very bandits who will be here for dinner.”

“Oh, well, that makes it much easier.  Dinner at 6:00, you say?”

“Very good.  Thank you, Mrs. Hatmore.”

As usual, Mrs. Hatmore wove her magic and produced a twelve-course meal, with the help of Paisley, the surly kitchen maid and twenty other unnamed staff members who were scurry around, bumping into each other and spilling food on the floor which was quickly put back on the serving trays and sent out to the dining room.

Over dinner, Lord Ransom and Roger Smalley discussed the terms of Lady Larry’s release, while Lady Viola scowled and made remarks under her breath about the attire of the bandits.

“I just don’t think one should be served dinner while wearing a sidearm.  Call me old fashioned,” she whispered to Lady Emu.

“Oh, granny, I think they look dashing,” Lady Emu said, gazing lovingly across the table at John Wicks, whose wife, it turns out had just died during the birth of their eleventh child.

“Smalley? Smalley? Are you from the Stilton-on-Nottingham Smalleys.  Ma ma, don’t we have relations in that part of the county?” Lord Ransom was sorting through his little grey cells, which were indeed little, trying to remember a branch of the extremely complicated Ransom family tree.

“Now that you mention it, I believe that my much younger sister Hortense married a Smalley just before the war and they moved to Canada so he could avoid the draft,” Lady Viola replied, her little grey cells working perfectly fine. “But of course, we haven’t spoken in over twenty years. I wonder what she’s up to these days?”

“My family is all from Stilton Lord Ransom,” Roger replied. “And I believe I remember having a brother who was a draft dodger.  Of course, no one in the family ever speaks of him or his wife.  But it just occurred to me that my nephew, Mayhew, showed up on my doorstep one day and said that his father had sent him from Canada to claim his fortune.”

Well, as you can imagine, the conversation went on for several more courses, and finally Lord Ransom and Roger Smalley, who may be cousins, agreed that Lady Larry would be released, and that she and Mayhew would be married in three years after he was eventually to be paralyzed from the neck up in a Formula One racing accident in Monaco.

As for John Wicks, Thomas Williams and Peter Croyle, Roger Smalley turned state’s evidence against them and they were arrested by the village constable.  Eventually, after a number of trials that made the front pages of every tabloid in the country, to Lady Viola’s great displeasure, they were convicted of “serial banditry and failure to attend Weasel Days in 2011.”

These days, Lady Emu visits John Wicks in jail every week and has become something resembling a mother to his eleven children.  Of course, her maid does most of the actual child-rearing.

Lady Viola now spends her days in Stilton-on-Nottingham in a little shop she opened, selling  quince jam and maps of the countryside, surrounded by people she fears may be relatives.

Lady Dribble forgot her Wellies for her elopement to the south of France and came down with a bad cold.

Lady Ransom remains silently in the background, although she has put a stop to Lord Ransom’s teaching the maids how to build fires.

Paisley became head cook when Mrs. Hatmore was hired by a four-star restaurant in Lyon, France; she rules the kitchen with an iron fist and strictly observes the “five second rule.”

Mrs. Escuse continues to be head housekeeper, though she doesn’t have anyone to argue with now that Mrs. Hatmore has left.

Garson finally changed his name to Randy.  It’s just simpler that way.

Words/Works III

This is a short story I intend to include in the collection of poems, stories and photos I’m preparing.  I hope you enjoy it.

The Lottery Ticket

If a vote had been taken, Maura Sweeney would have been unanimously elected the most unlikeable person in Fork-in-the-Road, Nebraska. At one time or another, she had managed to alienate just about everyone in town, in every generation she came into contact with. When she walked down the street, children would chant “Maura Sweeney is a meany.” Not very original, mind you, but to the point.

When she was growing up, at the age of five or six, Maura began to gain a reputation for having a nasty streak. It wasn’t just the usual childish spats that got her in trouble: fights with other kids or being rude to grown-ups. No, it was probably setting Mr. Norris’ toolshed on fire. Or imprisoning Mrs. Stanley’s cat in a box for a week. Or telephoning the police station and reporting a murder in progress behind the elementary school.

When she got to high school, she was never selected to be in any of the clubs or allowed to join any of the important activities for fear that she would manage to sabotage the homecoming dance or mid-winter band concert, which she certainly would have done had she had the chance. While it was never proved that she cut the ropes to the assembly hall curtains the morning before the senior play, circumstantial evidence was enough to cause her to nearly be expelled from school. It was only by the intervention, once again, of her father, Judge James Flanagan Sweeney that she was allowed to remain in school and complete her senior year, but with the understanding that one more incident would result in her removal. Much to Judge and Mrs. Sweeney’s relief, Maura managed to finish the year without trouble, but at graduation, just after she received her diploma, she removed her cap and gown and ran up and down the aisles of the auditorium, cursing at the principal, teachers and her classmates, using words that even some of the grown-ups hadn’t heard.

Improbable as it seemed, given her poor grades and the numerous citations for her infractions of the rules, she was accepted into Nebraska State Teacher’s College in Peru, where her mother and father hoped that she would finally grow up a bit and stop being such a difficult person. After one semester filled with skipped classes and destruction of college property, the extent of which was sealed in a plea-bargain agreement with the local district attorney, Maura came home to Fork-in-the-Road with no prospects for the future and no real desire to “make anything of herself” as people in town said, shaking their heads and wondering what she would do next.

Psychologists say that often a person with anti-social tendencies such as those Maura exhibited most likely suffered some traumatic event very early in his or her life that makes them mistrust and fear others to the extent that they cannot establish normal relationships with even their own families, let alone people in the “outside” world. It is not known what such an event might have been that set Maura on her path, but by all accounts, her childhood was as ordinary as that of any young person in small-town Nebraska. Or America for that matter. While she grew up in the wealthiest family in town, her father being a successful attorney and member of the state Supreme Court, he and Mrs. Sweeney tried to instill in Maura a sense of responsibility for the well-being of others and a respect for her position in the community. She was neither spoiled or coddled, or unfairly or exceedingly punished for her infractions, which made her behavior all the more perplexing.

To say that those lessons were lost on Maura was an understatement. Two events serve as examples of her uncaring attitude towards others and her disdain for her family’s “position in the community.”

Event number one: The summer after her ignominious return from college, her mother and father were killed in an automobile accident in Lincoln where Judge Sweeney had just that day been sworn in for a third term on the high court. Maura refused to help her Aunt Clara plan the funeral and did not even attend. Aunt Clara, who had been living with Maura and her parents, was devastated by the loss of her younger sister, Maura’s mother, but to make matters worse, a week after the funeral, Maura told her that she would have to find someplace else to live.

“I’m sorry, Aunt Clara,” Maura said, “but this house is just two small for the two of us. I’m sure that Uncle Chet and Aunt Wanda will be happy to have you come live with them in Omaha.”

The fact that the house had fourteen rooms was of no consequence to Maura; she just decided that she would rather live alone and that was all there was to it. Aunt Clara packed and left and never spoke to Maura again.

Event number two: Even though Maura’s parents left a large estate, she managed to spend nearly all of the money within a few years, though no one in town could determine what she was using the money for. She certainly wasn’t giving it to charity, nor was she using it to maintain her large house. Drugs were out of the question and she seemed to wear the same clothes year after year. She did take a trip to Italy one summer and the gossip around town was that she had met a man there who managed to take all of her money, though the thought of Maura trusting anyone enough to give them her money just didn’t quite ring true. The real reason for the evaporation of the money remained a mystery, never solved.

At some point, Maura realized that she would have to have a source of income beyond the remains of the legacy she had inherited and squandered and she decided to take in lodgers, even though having strangers in her house was highly distasteful to her. She hired a local carpenter to make the changes needed to turn her place into a boarding house and advertised “rooms for rent.” Within a week, she had rented all seven of the rooms on the second floor of the house, mostly to single men who were working at the nearby military base. Maura provided nothing beyond the room and she had a very strict policy about visitors on the second floor: none, ever, for any reason. If someone came by to see one of her boarders, they were required to stay on the front porch until the called-upon came down; even then, the boarder and guest could only stand in the foyer to conduct their business. Maura’s rules drove many boarders away within a short period of time and if one of them was even a day late with their rent, they would find themselves out on the street, quickly and efficiently.

One day, Maura answered the door and found an old couple standing there with two suitcases and a parakeet in a rusty cage.

“Miss Sweeney, I’m Harold Coster and this is my wife Florence. We’ve had a fire at our house and the fire chief says we can’t stay there until it’s fixed. The Red Cross was going to put us up at the Stay-the-Night Inn, but it’s full and there’s no place else in town right now. Our neighbor, Mr. Simms, you know Mr. Simms, said that you might have a room you could rent us until our son comes down from Wisconsin this weekend.” This long introduction and explanation was made through the screen door, which Maura pointedly did not open.

“All my rooms are rented,” said Maura, beginning to close the inside door. “And besides, I don’t allow pets.”

“But Miss Sweeney, we don’t have anywhere else to go, and my wife is exhausted from being up all night with the fire. Please, she’ll sleep on your couch. I’ll sleep on the floor. We just need someplace to stay.” It appeared that Harold was going to break into tears at any moment and for whatever reason, Maura had an uncharacteristic twinge of sympathy (or perhaps it was just gas; we’ll never know for sure) and she opened the screen door just a crack.

“I can put you in the library, but just for a couple of days. You’ll have to leave the bird on the porch. I’ll have a cot brought in for you, Mr. Coster and your wife can sleep on the sofa. That will be twenty dollars a day, in advance.” Maura opened the screen door and motioned the couple in, but not before she pointed to the parakeet and then pointed to a table at the end of the porch.

“Thank you, Miss. We can’t tell you how much we appreciate this,” said Harold.

“Just for a couple of days,” Maura said, holding out her hand. Harold looked at it quizzically. “Twenty dollars for today. And I’ll collect the next twenty tomorrow.”

Harold reached into his pocket and brought out a worn leather wallet. He pulled two tens out of it and handed them to Maura, being sure that she did not see that that was all the money he had.

Maura led them into the room she called the library, just to the right of the front door . It was furnished with a rather threadbare sofa, an ancient end table upon which sat a small lamp, and an armchair that was probably old when the house was built in 1887. And despite its being called the library, there was not a book in sight, only dust covering the shelves arrayed along three sides of the room.

“Remember, this is just for a couple of days. Twenty dollars first thing tomorrow.”

“Thank you, again, Miss. This will be just fine.” Harold sat the suitcases down and led his wife to the sofa. Florence had not said a word the whole time, but now she started to cry softly as she looked out the window to where the parakeet was chirping away.

With a look of distaste, Maura turned and left the old couple to themselves. A few minutes later, she knocked on the door to the library and when it was opened, she carried in a rickety cot and sheets, blankets and pillows. Without a word, she started to leave when Harold asked, “Excuse me, Miss, but where is the bathroom? My wife would like to wash her face.”

“It’s at the top of the stairs, on the left.”

“Oh, you don’t have one on this floor? My wife has a very hard time with stairs.” Harold nodded toward the walker that Florence was leaning on.

“Oh, all right, she can use the bathroom down here, but you’ll have to use the one upstairs. And this is just for a couple of days!” Maura’s voice went up an octave and it seemed that she was on the verge of shouting. She turned once again and closed the door, hard, behind her.

Between sobs, Florence finally broke her silence. “Harold, what are we going to do? That was all the money we have. We don’t have any to pay for tomorrow.”

“I’ll call Ronnie again and see if he can wire us something for a few days until he can get down here. It will be just fine. Miss Sweeney can’t be as cold as she seems. I’m sure she’ll let us stay until we can make other arrangements. Maybe we should just go back to Wisconsin with Jimmy.”

“And leave our home? You know I couldn’t do that.” This made Florence begin to cry harder and Harold put his arm around her.

“Now, you go wash your face and don’t worry. We’ll be okay. And it sounds like Charley needs to be fed. I’ll get his food out of the suitcase while you are in the bathroom and when you come out, you can go out and feed him and let him sing to you. That will cheer you up.” Harold knew that it would take more than Charley’s singing to cheer up Florence, but at least it would be a start.

The fire at their house had started in the kitchen where Harold was preparing Florence’s dinner. He couldn’t say for sure, but he may have left a burner on under the skillet he had used to cook her grilled cheese sandwich. He had done that once before, but had caught it before it ignited. He hadn’t told Florence about that incident and he didn’t intend to tell her about his fear that they were now homeless because of his forgetfulness.

After the fire was extinguished, the fire chief let Harold back in the front bedroom to retrieve a few clothes that were not soaked. He stuffed clothes for each of them in one suitcase, found Charley’s bird food and the twenty bottles of pills that he and Florence took for various ailments, Florence’s journal and a couple of books and threw everything into the  other suitcase along with her jewelry box.. When he began to unpack the suitcase in Maura’s library/their new bedroom (just for a couple of days), Florence’s journal fell on the floor and out spilled five twenty dollar bills that she had been saving “for a rainy day.” Well, Harold thought, this has been about the rainiest day I can remember.

When Florence returned from the bathroom, Harold held up her journal and said, “Guess what I found?”

“You brought my journal? Why in the world would you do that?” Florence had a look on her face that was a combination of gratitude and disbelief.

“Well, I thought we might need this.” From behind his back, Harold pulled out the five twenty-dollar bills.

“My rainy day money!” Florence’s eyes once again filled with tears as she kissed Harold on the cheek.

“I told you we would be just fine,” Harold said. “But I’m still going to call Ronnie and have him wire us some money in case Miss Sweeney was serious about our only staying here a couple of days. We might need to rent a room at the motel, if one opens up.”

A couple of hours later, Harold thought that Florence was looking a little pale and realized that they had not had anything to eat since lunch yesterday; the fire interrupted their dinner and in all the commotion, they had forgotten to eat.

“Florence, would you like me to go down to the market and get us something for lunch? I could have Stan make us a couple of sandwiches and I could bring back some soup.”

Just about that time, Harold’s phone rang; it was Jimmy who said that he was sorry but he couldn’t send them any money right now, but he would be down at the end of the week to see what could be salvaged from the house.

“I’m really sorry, dad, but my truck was in the garage last week and that took all the money I had to repair it.” Ronnie was a nice kid, but had always been short of common sense when it came to money. He had married right out of high school, worked a series of low-paying jobs, divorced his wife after the second child was born and was paying alimony and child support from his meager earnings at the cheese plant. “But I’ll help you clean out the house and we’ll see what we can save. You and mom should think about coming back to Green Bay with me.”

Harold told Florence about the money, but didn’t say anything about moving to Wisconsin, knowing that right now was not the right time to cause her any more stress.

“We’ll make your rainy day money stretch as far as we can. Maybe Miss Sweeney will give us a break on the rent and let us stay until Ronnie gets here, since this isn’t much of a room. Now, I’ll go get you something to eat.”

Harold came back a little later from the Piggly Wiggly with sandwiches, soup and coffee, which perked up Florence a bit, but soon after they finished eating, she laid down on the sofa and fell fast asleep. Harold spread a blanket over her, made up the cot as best he could and followed her to dreamland.

It was not until the knock at the door woke them that they realized that they had slept through the afternoon and the night. Harold looked at his watch and saw that it was 7:30 a.m. Groggily, he went to the door to discover Maura standing there.

“Twenty dollars for today and you’ll have to be out tomorrow morning.”

“Miss Sweeney, we talked to our son yesterday and he won’t be able to come down from Green Bay until Saturday. That’s only three days away. Couldn’t we stay until then?” Harold was the optimist in the family, but he could tell right away that Maura was not going to back down.

“I told you two days. I’ll need this room tomorrow morning.”

“Very well, we’ll be out first thing tomorrow, though I have no idea where we’ll go.”

“Not my concern,” Maura said, sticking the twenty-dollar bill in her dress pocket as she turned and walked away.

“Well, there’s nothing else to do; we’ll just have to find someplace else to stay until Ronnie comes. Maybe Pastor Frank can help us.” Harold was racking his brain trying to think of ways they could make it through the week.

“Do you really think Pastor Frank will help us after what you said to him?” Florence reminded Harold that he and Pastor Frank had gotten into a heated argument over a minor point of theology, which had led Harold and Florence being asked to withdraw their membership from the church.

“I only asked him why there were ten commandments but twelve disciples and he got all huffy about it,” Harold said, remembering the joy he had felt in tweaking Pastor Frank.

“I’ll go up stairs and wash my face and then go to Daylight and get us a couple of donuts and some coffee. Do you want a twist or a maple bar?”

“You know, I think I’ll go with you. A walk would do me good.” Florence reached for her walker and scooted down the hall to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she got back, Harold was ready to go and they closed the door to their very temporary shelter, knowing that tomorrow, they would have to leave it, for better or for worse.

After a stop at Daylight Donuts, where Harold got a glazed donut and coffee with extra cream and Florence decided that a maple bar was indeed what she wanted, they walked next door to the Piggly Wiggly and got Stan to make them each another sandwich for lunch.

On the way out the door, Harold noticed the electronic crawl over the customer service counter that announced the Powerball jackpot was up to $198 million, there having been no winner for the last three weeks.

“I think I’m going to buy a lottery ticket,” Harold said.

“But you never do that. Why now when we may be out on the street tomorrow?” Florence was incredulous. She had never known her husband to gamble and now seemed like an odd time to start.

“Well, our luck can’t get any worse,” Harold laughed and headed to the counter.

There were three people in line ahead of him and Florence made her way over to stand beside him.

The customer service counter did all kinds of business besides selling lottery tickets: accepting payments for utility bills, taking dry cleaning, redeeming milk bottles and selling the high-end brands of vodka, tequila, and scotch that seemed to disappear when they were on the regular shelves in the liquor department. Today, the customer at the counter was questioning a charge on her gas bill and Milly, the assistant store manager was trying to explain that she couldn’t do anything about it, that the customer would have to take it up with the gas company. While the discussion went on with Harold and Florence and the others waiting almost-patiently in line, Maura Sweeney entered the store and got in line behind Harold and Florence, not seeming to recognize them for several seconds. As the line moved on, Maura realized that the two people in front of her were her very short-term tenants.

When the last customer in front of Harold and Florence finished her business, Maura said, “I’m in a hurry. Excuse me.” and she cut in front of them.

“One Powerball ticket,” Maura said to the assistant store manager, Milly, before Harold or Florence could say a word.

“Maura, you cut in line. You should wait your turn,” Milly said, thinking that she had seen this behavior many times before.

“I’m in a hurry and they don’t care. One Powerball ticket.”

Milly looked at Harold who just shrugged his shoulders and made a face like “What can you do?”

“Okay, here’s your ticket, Maura. I’m sure it’s a winner,” Milly said sarcastically and before Maura had a chance to move, she said “Next.”

Harold stepped up to the counter and said, “I guess we aren’t the only ones she’s rude to. We’d like one Powerball ticket. The winning one, if you have it.”

Laughing, Milly handed Harold the ticket and said, “I’m pretty sure this is a winner. Good luck. Sorry about the fire. How are you getting along”

“Thanks,” Harold said. “Well, unfortunately, we had to stay at Miss Sweeney’s place last night and she’s kicking us out in the morning. But we’ll be fine. Thanks for asking.”

When they got back to their room, Harold went out to feed Charley and met Maura coming up the walk.

“Are you sure we can’t stay a couple more days, just until our son can come to get us?” Harold asked Maura as she reached to open the door.

“No, like I said, I need the room tomorrow,” Maura said with an annoyed tone in her voice. “I made it very clear when you moved in that I could only give you the room for two nights.”

“All right, we’ll be out in the morning,” Harold said with resignation. After trying to think of somewhere they could stay, he finally decided to call Sandy Arnold, the woman at the Red Cross who had tried to help them the first night.

“I’ll see what I can do, Mr. Coster, but with the regional basketball tournament in town, all the motels are full. I’ll call you back in a couple of hours.”

Harold and Florence spent the next few hours folding and organizing their few possessions, feeding and talking to Charley, and wondering what the next twenty-four hours would bring.

At five o’clock, Sandy Arnold called and said that she had found a room in a motel over in Lister and that she would be happy to take them there. It would also be available tomorrow night also, and the Red Cross would pay for their lodging until the end of the week when their son would come and pick them up. Harold conferred with Florence and since it was getting late in the day, she thought that they should just stay put for another night and move to the motel the next day.

“After all, we’ve already paid for tonight,” Florence said.

After another meager meal of soup and sandwiches from the Piggly Wiggly, they sat down on the front porch to soak in the unusually early spring warmth that was enveloping Fork-in-the-Road. Through an open window, they could hear the news coming from Maura’s TV in the front parlor. After the local news, the local weather, and the local sports, which was mainly devoted to Fork-in-the-Road High School’s win in the first round of the basketball tournament, Rik Ray, the anchor said that after the break, they would be right back with the lottery numbers.

“Well, I suppose I should go get our ticket just in case we won,” Harold said, sighing.

“That would really be something, but you know people like us don’t win. It’s always some truck driver from Delaware or New Mexico. Besides, what would we do with all that money?” Florence had always been the realist in the family while Harold dreamed of riches and trips to far off places.

“I’ll tell what I’d do. I’d make Miss Sweeney an offer on this house that she couldn’t refuse and make her move. And I’d rebuild our old house so Ronnie could move down here and take care of us in our old age.”

“I think we’d have better luck just hiring a full-time nurse than relying on that son of ours to take care of us,” Florence said, probably acknowledging for the first time what had gone unspoken between them for years.

Harold got up and went to their room to get the lottery ticket. When he came back, Rik Ray was just finishing the Pick 3, Pick 4, the Husker Hundred, and Mega Millions, and began to give the numbers for Powerball.

“The first Powerball number is 8,” Rik said in the mellifluous tone he learned in broadcasting school.

“Well, at least we got one,” Harold said, with a laugh.

“The second Powerball number is 14.”

“Now that’s funny. We got two numbers,” Harold said, straightening a bit.

“The third Powerball number is 15.”

“Somebody must be playing a trick on us. We have all three so far.” Harold was leaning slightly toward the open window from which the numbers were coming.

“The fourth Powerball number is 32.”

“This can’t be. Four numbers.” Harold was now walking toward the sound of the TV.

“The final Powerball number is 47.”

“Florence, we’ve got all five of those numbers!”

“And the Powerball is 4. Good luck to everyone who played. That’s our broadcast tonight. See you at ten o’clock.” Rik Ray ended the six o’clock news with his usual cheery demeanor and Harold and Florence heard the TV click off.

“Florence, what did he say the Powerball number was?” Harold’s voice was barely a whisper.

“I think he said it was 4. Yes, he said 4. Do we win anything with five numbers?”

“Florence, the Powerball was 4?”

“Yes, Harold, that’s what he said. Are you feeling well? You’re as white as a sheet.”

“Florence, we have five number and the Powerball number. We’ve won the Powerball jackpot.” Harold had jumped out of his seat and was nearly running up and down the length of the porch, running being something he had not done in a long, long time.

“Harold, sit down. You’re going to have a heart attack.”

The commotion from the front porch brought a couple of the other lodgers down from their rooms, and Maura from in front of the darkened TV.

“What’s going on out here?” Jeff, the lodger in 2C asked.

“Harold thinks we’ve won the Powerball,” Florence said.

“No, I don’t think; I know. We have all six numbers.” Harold held up the ticket.

“Wow, man that’s great,” Norm, Maura’s lodger in 2E said, and added laughing, “Say, aren’t you my long-lost uncle?”

“Wait a minute, that should be my ticket,” Maura stammered. “I was in line right behind you and that should have been mine.”

Harold looked at Florence and then at Maura and said, “Miss Sweeney you gave up what should have been when you cut in line in front of us. If you hadn’t been so unpleasant and in such a hurry, you might be rich right now.”

In most stories like this, Maura would have had an epiphany at this point, realizing that her way of treating other people had finally cost her a great deal, and that the callus that had grown over her heart needed to be cut away, but Maura’s callus not only covered her heart but it seemed to have encased her whole body. No flash of self-understanding emerged to penetrate that hardened exterior. No sudden empathy awakened to make her feel what others were feeling. She had been cheated out of what was rightfully hers, she believed, and she would do what she had always done.

“My attorney will be in touch,” Maura said, a final attempt to impose her will.

“He’ll be able to find us at the motel in Lister until the end of the week, Miss,” Harold said. “After that, we may be in Tahiti or the Bahamas.”

And with that, Harold and Florence packed their suitcases, called Sandy Arnold, the Red Cross lady, collected Charley and left Maura sputtering in anger on the front porch.